Holiday stuff

After taking the wellness assessment and having my learning partner coach me, I focused my vision on career as the main priority because (a) it's easier to tackle and (b) the other stuff (weight, health, etc) might improve as a result. Maybe. I did it last weekend, the weekend before Christmas. I also got to relieve my mom of a piece of furniture she didn't have room for anymore – a bookshelf that fit nicely in front of my window and next to my desk. It was fun piling my books, DVDs, CDs, and textbooks / notebooks on it. It was kind of an early Christmas present in itself :) On Monday night Josh and I opened our presents to each other (which were also great). Wednesday was Christmas Eve and my dad flew in and we did family presents then. On Christmas day we went to see my grandma and just hung out. I worked yesterday and today I did the next lesson for my coaching (which still isn't for another couple weeks, but hey). I also watched one of my movies I got for a gift. Tomorrow my parents go up to see Pam, but I won't be going because I still have to work. That's okay, though. At least I can do video with her and them, hopefully. And work is starting to slow down which is good. And I'll have the house to myself for a few days. So there's still New Year's this coming week (and a little belated Christmas stuff), but then the week after will be a return to normal, non-holiday time. But it's been fun. Just wanted to do a brief post mentioning some of my festivities as a little break from my normal posts :)

Goings-on

So last week was another practice session and tomorrow we move into the actual wellness assessments that clients fill out for us prior to the first session. And working on our interpretation of them / preparation for first session. We were provided a sample (filled out by a client) in our materials. It had so much stuff on it! Nevertheless, we're supposed to figure out what the client's successes are (in addition to noting what areas they want to work on). That's a key thing I have to keep in mind. It's really easy to get caught up in some of the other things we've been taught, like staging the client with the TTM and seeing if they have motivation and if they know their barriers and possible solutions, etc. Can't forget about figuring out what worked for them before! It's also really easy to paint a picture of the person in your mind based on what you read on paper (like I did with the sample). But then the experience of talking to them turns out really different. (I say that because we had to listen to another recorded session and I'm pretty sure the session was with the client whose assessment we looked at). It's getting intense now! I say that because our materials this week included a section on setting up a practice client relationship. I guess we're up to the part now where we find actual people to practice on. It's scary to think about - like taking the training wheels off the bike. But I'm sure I'll be able to do it. I guess our assignment after tomorrow night will also involve filling out the assessment for ourselves and giving them to our learning partners so we can coach each other. I've been really curious to take it for myself (and to figure out what my own vision statement will be) so it should be interesting.

I believe tomorrow is our last class for like 3 weeks because of Christmas and New Year's. I haven't talked about the holidays or work lately. I had a nice Thanksgiving in which I surprisingly didn't have to work the Friday or Saturday after. They kept saying we'd have all this overtime, yet I only worked 2 Saturdays the whole time (the second one was last week, the day before the last day of open enrollment for medicare). I guess that was good considering how the job usually takes up so much time anyway. What's crazy now is that open enrollment is over, yet instead of the workload slowing down, it's skyrocketing even worse than it was DURING open enrollment. And it's so frustrating when you feel like you push yourself to the limit and still don't make a dent in the work that's piled up. Why isn't management freaking out? They put the pressure on before, and now that the work is worse, we're suddenly taking it easy? Weird. And Tuesday I'm taking the afternoon off to go to the annual conference for the Tampa Wellness Council. And Friday we're having a gift exchange and potluck. And on the 23^rd the company is providing a holiday lunch. Sounds like a lot going on when the work is crazy. But I guess I'll leave it at that. Oh – and how long are we seasonal employees gonna stay? That's another thing I haven't found out yet. All I know is that I'm really ready for it to be over. Really ready. I've got some wellness coaching to get serious about.

So one more weekend before Christmas and Dad coming. I'll spend it with him and my mom and grandma. Not sure if I'll see my sister or not (mom and dad are driving up to see her right after). Have to figure out a time to see one of my bffs too. And my bf hopefully a short time after. Busy, busy!

Branching Out

Last week's coaching lesson was on building self-efficacy. The next one is on the TTM (Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change). I was introduced to the TTM in school, but now I'll actually be delving in deeper and applying it, so that's cool. One interesting thing I did last week, though, was email my assigned admin person (not part of the faculty but still trained as a coach and working for Wellcoaches). It was about my side interest that hasn't directly related to the material but which I've talked about at length on this blog. How the mind affects people physically. About whether being challenged in life could be a cure to certain problems. She emailed me back some articles to read which have been kind of interesting (on mindfulness, meditation...I have one left right now). But before she even emailed me back, I started to think to myself – am I attempting to say that health and happiness is as simple as merely having an enjoyable, meaningful, and fulfilling career? Can you have a career you love and not be happy or healthy? I don't know. I think it's so relevant to me simply because getting a meaningful and fulfilling career has been a lifetime's worth of effort for me.

Anyway, career counseling is sort of a separate path than wellness coaching (and an alternate one I keep pondering in the back of my mind. What if I'd pursued that instead? What if I'd majored in psychology instead?) But there IS some overlap that I'm learning about through wellness coaching. Wellness coaching is about behavior change and helping people set goals to become their best selves. Doesn't career factor into a person's wellness? Sure. Some of the faculty have been saying they did executive coaching or life coaching...and it all sort of blends together in a way. So maybe it doesn't matter if I majored in one thing or another. Maybe I'll still arrive at the same place. Come to it from another direction.

Thoughts on motivation and exercise

In preparing for tonight's coaching lesson (reviewing the material I read last weekend), I've gotten inspired to write down a few things I didn't think of when I wrote my previous post Fri. night. We're covering motivational interviewing (which I described briefly in another post but which we didn't cover at the time, it was a little premature). I think my nutshell description of it would be 'What is the reason for a particular behavior change?' 'Why do you want to do it/ why is it important?' It's about change talk, determining how ready people are to change, and perhaps increasing their readiness. This afternoon I was thinking about how I've brought myself to make certain changes in my life and what motivated me to make them. Sometimes it's a matter of dissatisfaction with the current state of things. I wasn't satisfied with what I did for a living, so I went back to school for something else. When it comes to physical habits (which constitute so much of what people seek counseling or coaching for), sometimes it's dissatisfaction with how you look or feel. Sometimes physical symptoms/ailments or actual health problems serve as the trigger to change (which I think are stronger/ more urgent motivators). I had physical symptoms which may have resulted from my body control issues, and they prompted me to go to doctors and attempt to make changes. Sometimes necessity makes you change a habit unconsciously or involuntarily. For example, my job demands didn't allow time for certain rituals I used to do and it may have been for the better. (Which leads to a side note about how being busy / challenged can help certain problems in life that result from NOT being busy or challenged).

I happened to listen to another recorded coaching session as part of my lesson preparation. There wasn't anything particularly extraordinary or different about it, but after contemplating again and again how common the issue being discussed was, I just had to blurt out my feelings on it. The issue was feeling like one should exercise more. A lot of people feel they should. There are guidelines for how much exercise people should get (which you learn on like day one of majoring in exercise science). Now here's my take. If you play a sport, you don't really need to worry about it. The nice thing is that sports have a higher goal / aim besides the exercise itself. (That is skill, excelling at it, etc). Exercise is just a by-product. You happen to get it because it's built in. I used to participate in a sport. Sadly, though, sports fall by the wayside for many when they grow up because careers that are not professional sport careers tend to take up a lot of time. What's the alternative? There are people who don't play sports or even exercise for the sake of exercise but who still manage to stay thin because of NEAT: Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis. I learned about this in school. It's basically expending energy by being busy with daily tasks (tasks that don't involve continuous sitting). Even if you have a mostly sedentary job but still take breaks throughout the day to run around the parking lot / get your heart rate up a little, wouldn't you say that it would allow you to stay at a healthy weight? (In addition to coordinating your food intake to match what you're expending). That's my idea of staying healthy. This so-called third option of setting aside time to 'work out' that people talk about? They might think they need to do that. Maybe some people do. Maybe for some people it's hard to manage their daily energy balance without specifically setting aside time to 'exercise.' But I'm just saying there are other possibilities. Like eating right and having the bits of activity like I was mentioning above. Has there been any conversation about this anywhere? Because it's one I'd really like to participate in if I could. (Or start, lol).

And then I could combine that conversation with one about how being busy and challenged in life with anything (whether it involves exercise or not) can make it easier for you to stay healthy, period. Because if your mind is engaged, your body is probably engaged in some way too. It's not being passive the way it would be if you were bored. And if you happen to be sitting but are still engaged with your mind, it's probably gonna prompt you to want to take a break at some point to increase your blood flow because that's what you'll naturally crave. If you're being mindful, that is. Mindful of how you feel. That's important.

Goings-on

Last week in coach training we had a practice session where we split into pairs and did another exercise with empathy reflections and an exercise with the 2^nd step in appreciative inquiry (the 'discover' phase). The topics we coached each other on were challenges in our wellness journey and our best experiences with wellness. I made my area of challenge about control issues with my body. But I have to say this week has been better. Being busy at work has helped with that, I think. My whole theme that I've been trying to repeat to myself ever since I first went back to school is that being healthy mentally (or being in a flow state) is something that contributes to physical health. And that in whatever way my physical health may have taken a hit, it was likely due to not having mental fulfillment. I know I may have questioned that before, but I'm coming to re-embrace it a little. I want to have some kind of signature thought or contributing idea to wellness (or simply an area of interest?) and I want that to be it. But I haven't gotten to talk about it much yet in the coach training. I'm hoping there might be opportunity for it soon.

Also, it's cool to hear about the backgrounds of all the different instructors we have from week to week. A trend I'm noticing is that they all make their living from both teaching the coaching classes and working their own private practice. I like the idea of having different sources of work that are related. I guess I'll see what happens for me.

As for my day job right now, I've gotten comfortable with the main task assigned to me that I trained on. When there is a large amount of it to do, that's when I'm happiest. On Wednesday there was a large amount that kept me busy the whole day. But on other days there wasn't as much. That's when they sometimes have me do other things. Yesterday I shadowed someone on a task I didn't get as well, so I hope I don't have to do it later, lol.

I guess that's it for now. Really looking forward to when the day job ends and I finish coach training and get certified and then get a job coaching!

Time

I'm doing my update a little early this weekend (Friday night, Halloween, hehe). I got off work early so I have a little time. And instead of talking about work details or even wellness coaching details, I just have some general thoughts. Mainly about the difficulty of my routine. I'd been mentioning feeling lucky that I'd managed well up to this point, but I finally broke my pattern this week. Not intentionally, of course. Nature always decides to mess with you even when you try to maintain things. But is it a bad thing? I think it relates back to control issues. And the gray area that surrounds where to draw the line between mindfulness and neurosis. Because being healthy means being mindful of how much you sleep, eat, and move around (physical activity). But how mindful is too mindful? That's the eternal question. What I realized this week is maybe it's okay to not have one specific pattern dictate everyday life. A work schedule is usually specific, but that doesn't mean your daily habits have to be. Maybe it's okay for me to have one day where I eat less and move around more and another where I eat more and don't move around as much. Things will eventually balance out. And sometimes your body will tell you when you need to adjust things. (Instead of you telling your body what it needs).

I do want to mention how different things are when I get to leave work early versus when I have to stay the whole eight hours. It's not that I mind the work itself, it's the issue of time (not having enough of it). Working the whole time means driving at rush hour, which means it takes twice as long to commute as it does when driving at any other time of day. It means getting home later and basically eating dinner, checking email and facebook, talking to my boyfriend on the phone, and going to bed. There's very little turn-around time between getting home and having to go back again. I hate that so, so much. That's why when I get to leave early, it offers the chance of maybe getting home slightly before dinnertime where I can check email beforehand and have a little time to myself after dinner before getting on the phone. That's so much better. I feel like I can breathe. And stretch and do better by my body. (Because as much as I'm trying to not overly control my body, you have to admit it's easier when you aren't bound to the sedentary job for extended hours. I think that's an indisputable fact). So I kinda go through a lot of days wondering if I'll get lucky with the schedule. But I hate to rely on luck because it almost makes you live in fear, you know? And that's no fun. But at least I won't be at this job forever.

So tomorrow I'm off work again (I've only had to work one Sat. so far but there will be more later, they say). This is the week where I didn't have any lesson preparation materials for the coaching class again so maybe I'll jump ahead to next week's lesson. Otherwise I guess I'll just read and do my other normal things. (Things I don't usually write about but which are usually on a to-do list anyway. Like websites to check, things to clean, people to call, shows to watch, magazines to read...things I don't allow time for during the week because there are days when I don't have time, as I was mentioning). (Except the shows if they're on when I'm talking to boyfriend). So yeah, it does sound like a lot now, hehe. (Oh, and writing blog posts like this...also on the to-do list). Did I mention how much I value time?

Another check-in (mostly work & coach training part 3)

I'm getting to like doing weekly updates now because I have enough going on that I have stuff to say. Tonight is lesson 6 of coach training and tomorrow starts week 5 of my job. I had a normal weekend this weekend (yesterday and today off). Yesterday I read more from another YA novel I started a few weeks ago (it takes that long when you only have time to read a chapter or two every now and then) and I visited my grandma...it was a really nice day. (I didn't have any coaching lesson to study because I did it Monday when I was off and next week is another practice session with no prep materials). Today I'm kinda relaxing too, but then I have a couple phone calls this afternoon with my learning partners and class at 7. Then it's back to work tomorrow.

I guess I could talk a little more about the details of my work since I haven't done that yet. So my company acts as the face of different companies through which people get their insurance. We're kind of the middle man between the companies and the gov't agency that they (the insurance companies) have to submit the applications to. I work on the applications for 4 companies, 2 of which offer prescription drug plans and 2 of which offer plans that cover doctor, hospital, and prescription drugs. So basically everyday I get assigned a number of incomplete applications to research. Sometimes I'll have to call the applicant for information, sometimes it just involves searching databases, sometimes the issue can be resolved and sometimes it can't (in which case, the application gets denied). Either way, I have to make notations in the system and on the spreadsheet that lists all the applications I've worked on.

It's sort of interesting when you get different scenarios, but there is some repetitiveness to my days in an overall sense. I think that's one of the most trying aspects of any job. If you have to do the same thing over and over, it wears you down. It's better when you can grow from day to day or learn new things. Is that possible when you're bound by a particular profession that you practice everyday? Sure. For example, if I'm coaching clients, I might be doing the same activity, but each client would be different and each conversation would offer new insights. Or if I were a book editor, I'd be reading everyday, but I'd be reading different things. There are lots of possibilities. When you're in a job that doesn't offer those possibilities, your mind sort of starts to look for little differences that don't really matter. Like whether you worked for a longer period of time before taking a break or for a shorter time. You wonder what the best pattern is and whether it's good or bad if you stray from it. Will you feel just as good doing things one way versus doing them another? One of the great things in life is not having to decide things like that and just letting individual circumstances dictate what you do. But it's hard sometimes when you have to work within a certain structure. I'd say my job now offers a little more autonomy than others I've had in the past, but it still has the set hours and the feeling that I have to constantly monitor how I'm feeling physically. How I feel physically is the measure of a good day for me. Is that abnormal or neurotic? Most people probably don't have to “monitor” the way I do or be as mindful as I feel myself being, but the only reason I do it is because I don't have the other challenges I just mentioned about personal growth and change from day to day to distract me. Right? If I had them, would I still fixate on the little things I fixate on now? It's a question I'm still exploring (and one I feel I've been exploring my whole life). In my last post I mentioned feeling lucky that things were going pretty well for me physically, but should it always feel like luck if things go well?

On to coach training. (By the way, there might soon be a segue from the stuff I just mentioned to my coach training because we will be talking about our own personal wellness visions again in the near future. But we've been focusing more on coaching skills lately). Last week we honed in on the nonviolent communication thing I mentioned in my last post. We were put into pairs a couple times during the class to practice discerning when an observation was being made and when an evaluation was being made (by the client). I think the point of that tool / skill, though, is for us as coaches to have a better handle on when WE make observations vs. evaluations. We also combined steps 2 and 3 of NVC in another exercise where we identified feelings and needs in the client. We used a template for an empathy reflection that involved saying “It sounds like you're feeling ___ because your need for ___ is /isn't being met.” Both of those exercises were kind of challenging. They don't sound challenging when you think about them, but like I said in my last post, doing them in practice is often different than simply thinking about them / comprehending them.

Another valuable nugget I gained from the class that I thought I understood but which really clicked when the instructor said it was the reason to avoid sympathy. Being sympathetic is a natural human tendency, but when you express sympathy, you're making things more about you than about the client. You're essentially saying “I know how you feel because ___ (insert whatever it is that makes you identify).” Does that really help? Likewise, showing pity is bad because it victimizes the client. (“You poor thing.”) Empathy, though, is when you restate the client's situation to show you understand (or are trying to). That's what we're supposed to focus on in coaching. 

Perhaps I'll wait til next week to discuss tonight's lesson (so each post will sort of re-cap the lesson from the previous week). But just to preview a little, it's on appreciative inquiry. And the field of positive psychology. Martin Seligman made a good statement in his TED talk that we had to watch. He said “increasing happiness is different from relieving misery.” Hence the growth of the field. In earlier days, most of psychology's focus was on curing the mentally ill. Now it encompasses so much more. Because psychology IS more than just that. Amen!

Work and coach training, revisited

Well, I survived my first 6 day work week (week 3 of the job). Part of me thinks if I hadn't been lucky that first day /week in getting off on the right foot, things might not have continued to go as well as they've been going. So that's good. Yesterday was actually the busiest day up to this point. There was a brief period of overwhelm (when a bunch of things get piled on you at once), but it's kind of good when you're kept on your toes. For the higher level staff, I could tell there was stress going on with other high-level processes, and at one point one of our websites was down. But everyone has seemed to be keeping a level head so far. I hope it remains so. From what they've said, it gets busier as the annual election period is well underway (like November). I think our working Saturday (yesterday) was due to some system issues and quality control that needed to be taken care of so things are able to run more smoothly when the rubber meets the road. So we'll see what happens. It's cool they let us have tomorrow off so we still have a 2-day weekend. I don't know if that will always be the case. But I'll take what I can when I can.

Last Saturday I did the lesson preparation for today's wellcoaches class (#5). That was made possible because last Sunday (lesson #4) didn't have any prep. It was just a practice session. So I took the opportunity to get ahead for today. My plan is to do the prep for next Sunday (#6) tomorrow since I have the day off. Whether I'll work next Saturday or not, I don't know. I'm gonna have to take things week by week. I know I mentioned a little about the content of the classes in my last post. And like I said in this post, we did some practice last week with reflections and open-ended inquiries. When practicing, there often seems to be 2 tracks your mind has to juggle. One is obviously listening to the client and responding and being present in the moment. And the other is making sure that your responses are in line with the processes you're being taught. The best thing is when whatever comes naturally to you is already in line with what's being taught. But it doesn't always happen that way (as much as you might think it would). I guess in time the things might merge a little easier. But overall, the concepts we're learning DO seem natural and smart to me. Don't advise people. Let them listen to themselves, let them do the work. When they know someone is simply listening and providing an outlet, things will come to the surface. And when people step back and sit with silence for a while, it can be effective because it's probably a rare thing to have silence in life.

Other things we covered were self-care and surveys of our signature strengths. My top 5 were: love of learning, self-regulation (which our instructor said was the least common one among people in our country), honesty, judgment (thinking things through, not jumping to conclusions, having the ability to change your mind), and appreciation of beauty and excellence. Tonight's lesson is about motivational interviewing which entails expressing empathy, developing discrepancy, rolling with resistance, and supporting self-efficacy. Within the empathy facet is non-violent communication which entails making observations instead of evaluations, expressing feelings instead of thoughts, identifying needs instead of strategies, and making requests instead of demands. So I'm basically just reiterating my textbook here, lol. Oh well. Now I guess I'll enjoy the rest of my Sunday :)

Work and coach training

First week at my new job is done. Wow, is it demanding! We had to learn all the rules and regulations of medicare (and get tested on it), and next week we move to the “floor” for hands-on training. One good thing is that the trainers and my fellow trainees are cool. And young. That helps. And just knowing that you're in it together.

Schedule-wise, I was worried about (a) adapting my body to the hours, and (b) having enough time to get things done in the few short hours between getting home at night and going to bed for the next day. Surprisingly, though, I managed. And I'm remembering now that sometimes being busy can be good. It can make you rise to the occasion. Isn't that what I want? To be stimulated / challenged? It's true that I'd rather be challenged by something more fulfilling (the wellness coaching I'm studying now), but I think working in general is helping me anyway. When I have fewer choices of how to spend my time, it forces me to focus my attention differently. Or to overlook little body sensations I might feel from time to time. In my non-working life, they'd pose a problem. But when I can't afford to focus on the problem because of work, it kind of gets better. I hope I'm not speaking too soon on this, it's just that I'm hopeful in general about improving.

The wellness coach training is going pretty well too. I just did the reading / assignments for lesson 3 today (and the conference call for it is tomorrow). (I'm really hoping the overtime that's coming up at work soon won't make things too hard...but again, I'm optimistic that I can do it). I've gotten to talk to a few different people in the class (“learning partners”) for the hands-on application. I like it so much! And part of the object IS for us to be the client (in addition to the coach) while we're learning. We do get to help ourselves / work on ourselves. We have to be well to help others, right? We're not exempt from needing to grow and improve. So that is awesome. Because I've been wanting it, lol. In the first hands-on exercise, it was kind of hard for me to articulate what I wanted. But my partner said, “you may think you don't know, but you do.” She's probably right. I think I was having a hard time figuring out specifics of the physical health domain, but as I've said before, I think the physical might be taken care of when the career fulfillment happens. If you're unhappy in life or aren't challenged by what you do, it can result in physical manifestations. Other things we've covered include things such as mindfulness, open-ended inquiry, reflections, building on people's strengths, and getting them to come up with their own answers rather than telling them what to do. I think it is truly great.

Wellness

I wonder if we'll get to assess our own wellness in the coaching training. I would love that as much as learning how to help others. I mention it not because I'm necessarily worried about my wellness...after all, I did see a dietitian, counselor, and physician while I was in school (and they didn't think too much was amiss). I mention it just because my lifestyle is not one that reflects a super fit person. Just a thin person who knows how to stay thin by eating a certain way and being moderately active. Is that okay? Could I counsel people on their health issues based on the way I live my life? I think it depends on what people want. If someone wanted to gain strength, for example, I wouldn't be the person for them. And that's okay because part of what I've gleaned so far in the intro to this training is that wellness coaches often refer people to personal trainers, etc. But people who seek out wellness coaching are probably seeking it for reasons other than just 'to gain strength.' And that's why I could help them – because I'll be counseling them on other things. Like motivation. And general life stuff.

An alternate scenario that could've played out for me in terms of what kind of work I'd be doing while undergoing the training was teaching group exercise. But when I learned how to teach group exercise last fall, it didn't turn out how I thought. I thought it would've been something I could do well, but not exactly. Again, it's okay by me because I tried it, ya know? And that are other ways people can get exercise besides in a group setting.

I thought someone would have to kill me before I ever decided to do an office job again, like the one I'm going to be doing. But as I started off saying, I don't think it matters THAT much if I'm not super fit and am just thin (which an office job wouldn't really disrupt). It just matters if I know how to be somewhat healthy and if I can help others with that same mission. In fact, now that I've been thinking about it a lot, I've come to wonder if my passion lies more in helping people with their overall happiness and fulfillment / purpose in life? If you have that, won't physical health take care of itself? I'm pretty happy that wellness coaching does incorporate that a little. It does tie together aspects of the body and mind because they are connected. There are several domains of wellness, and it's a term that applies to many things. That's why I feel like I finally found my calling in life. To help people feel as fulfilled as they can. I didn't always feel fulfilled, and in those times, my health suffered a bit. But I think I'm better when I'm doing something productive. That makes sense, doesn't it? And the coaching training will sustain that for me, I think. It'll keep me accountable. It'll help me grow. So yeah, I can't wait.

New job again

So recently my job search strategy expanded to include ones that weren't necessarily related to what I wanted to do but that I could do anyway. For a couple of reasons. One, when you need income, you can't afford to be picky. Two, the jobs I would want would be easier to get once I have my coaching certification, which I don't yet. And since I'm starting the training for it this month, why not have a job that's purposely unrelated so I'll be able to more easily focus on it (the coach training) when I'm home? In other words, a job that will only require my attention when I'm there. Further along this line, I thought something part-time would be ideal. But I got offered something full-time. As an enrollment specialist for a company that sells Medicare Advantage plans. I debated at length about it, but decided to take it because I feel like it's something I could do that wouldn't be too terrible (I don't have to be on the phones too much, it's more dealing with application processing) and my mind wouldn't be dead like at some jobs I've had in the past. I'd actually be busy and using my brain (there's a 2 week training where we have to learn all about Medicare). And the scheduling is nice in that we can come in any time between 7:30 and 9:30 am as long as we put in 8 hours. It's been a while since I worked full-time so I don't know how much of a challenge it'll be for me time-wise with my coach training and sleeping and work-life balance and all that...but I guess I'll see. I just didn't want to pass up the opportunity because who knows how long I would've gone before finding something else? It's true that by the end of my coach training I SHOULD be able to get the job I want that I went back to school for and that will make me happy (helping people be healthy), so it's not like I'll be processing medicare applications forever. But another small part of me is, weirdly enough, looking forward to getting out of the house and being with other people and being productive. Crazy! (Even though I do enjoy sitting around reading all day and am sometimes reluctant to let that go. It's just that there's also the small issue of needing money). Even if I didn't get a job, I'd still be connecting with people and being productive because of the coach training. But oh well. What's happening is happening and I'm ready to roll.

Update

I signed up for Wellcoaches! I'm so excited. Even though I still have about 5 weeks until the first class, I already did the homework for it. Read chapter 1 in the Coaching Psychology Manual, listened to some recorded coaching sessions, took some notes on fundamentals such as assessments, creation of a vision and 3 month plan, and weekly goals. It's awesome so far. Also started reading Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Other stuff? Just job-searching. When I don't have anything in my planner, my mental recitation of things to do is “job search, read, walk.” I have done some other tasks this week like shopping, scheduling an annual check-up, drafting some letters not related to job search...and this weekend is a movie I've been looking forward to that I want to see. So things are pretty good. 

One funny thing I've noticed about myself is that if there's something I know I'll need to do soon and I have time to do it right away, I'll want to do it even if it's kinda early. That's because I don't always like having things hanging over my head. I tend to have this crazy thought of “what if I'm busy later?” It's kinda silly I guess. This rule doesn't apply to ALL tasks, just fairly easy ones. But even that begs the question “if they're easy tasks, what difference does it make if you're busy later or not?” Lol. Sometimes when I don't have a lot going on, I fear what life will be like when I do get a lot going on – even though 9 times out of 10, things are perfectly fine (and sometimes better) when I have a lot going on. Weird. So sometimes when I don't have a lot going on, I have to pretend I do to keep from going crazy. I have to simulate certain experiences. I guess that's not so crazy. But I thought it'd be interesting to mention because it's one of those things I always think about but have never written about.

Some challenges

I try not to write about negative things because focusing on them can sometimes perpetuate negativity; whereas focusing on the positive can perpetuate, or bring about positive things. But I need to clear my head right now. And there are a couple things swimming around in it. First is my unemployment situation. That, in itself, isn't necessarily a doomful thing because I am hopeful and it hasn't been THAT long since I finished school. And having wide open days where I don't have to be anywhere isn't a bad thing either because I can always find ways to stay busy. But when I don't have a lot going on, that's when my health takes up a bigger spot in my consciousness. It becomes harder to maintain because I'm thinking about it more. I don't know why the lack of being busy with a job would pose a threat to my health, but it does. And I've had to battle with that intermittently for many, many years.

You know what else is kind of funny? Sometimes I hesitate to start a new book or something that I know will take my attention because I fear having to put it down and I want to instead be ready for any new job opportunity at the drop of a hat. But how long can you “be ready” without something happening before you start going crazy? That's something else I'm kind of experiencing right now. But I'm poised to sign up for the next WellCoaches training which is in Sept (but whose sign-up date for a small discount is in a few days). I know it will benefit me and it is literally one of the only things I have to look forward to right now, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do it. Should I reiterate that part about “one of the only things I have to look forward to”? I'm always looking to self-improvement and professional development as the main sources of my happiness and fulfillment in life. Other people may have hobbies or social lives or something. While I do have hobbies (reading!), my home life sucks. This is the EIGHTH YEAR that I've been under my parents' roof since coming home from L.A. There are days every now and then (like today) when it just grates on me and strikes every nerve. When I can't get any peace and quiet while trying to work, when I have to stop what I'm doing because I can't concentrate with the distractions, when I don't have the freedom to do what I want when I want. I mean, I have more freedom than when I was a kid, but it's still not the same as me living on my own. And this is actually a good example of something about which complaining will do no good. And something that's theoretically in my control to change. But like I said, every now and then you just have to clear your head, let off steam.

The final thing I have to vent about today is the job I left. In my last post I talked about leaving with no hard feelings. But it's really more a case of sweet words and dispositions on the outside masking something very different on the inside. I can't say I'm totally surprised, but they're screwing me by not giving me my paycheck that's way overdue. I know she had it the day I left, so the horseshit she's feeding me now about “waiting for the money to clear with the accountant” is an outright lie. Just like every other word that ever came out of her mouth. That's why I left. But now I am so fired up that I'm going to file a complaint with the department of labor and hopefully that will do something. She's one of the most incompetent people I've ever met in my life.

Okay, I think that's everything for now. Maybe I can try to salvage the rest of this day and hopefully survive the weekend of company and have a better week next week.

An ending

Oh, how I was tempted to write more between my last post and now. But I held off because I knew that in the midst of eventfulness, it'd only make sense to wait until it calmed down. And now I think it has. Basically, my job kept morphing from day to day. That, in itself, isn't always a bad thing, but other important things need to be in place in order for it to be okay. And things weren't in place. Starting with company services (the third bullet point in my list from previous post), the agenda went from us providing services directly to clients, and then to us not even having our own clients but training other people on how to do what we WOULD'VE done ourselves but decided not to. Then it went to us trying to get other people to start a business like the one we would've had. I just wasn't comfortable with that. In fact, there are a slew of other things I could mention that contributed to my decision to walk away, but I don't know if it makes much sense to go into it. So maybe I won't. But it took a lot of courage for me to finally make a graceful exit. Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't want to show it because I hate leaving things on a bad note. And so I'm glad I was able to articulate that the job just didn't feel like a match for me and there were no hard feelings. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and move on.

Update, agenda, etc.

Back in the days when I worked for a direct mail company, I wrote blog post upon blog post about daily tasks because they'd constantly build; when you have a lot of things to keep track of like that, writing about it (at least for me) provides an extra measure of organization. I find myself in a similar position now with the health and wellness company I'm trying to help get off the ground. There are now clearly distinct areas that need to be focused on (and for which I've designated separate areas in my folder). They are:

• Sales stuff – literature & info about companies (including the Tampa Wellness Council) that I'm trying to inform the team about (as well as event dates)
• Certification stuff – specifically the WellCoaches training that I want to do and need to talk with my boss about. She keeps talking about having us get certified for all these different things, but this one (which is probably more rigorous than the ones she has in mind) is the one I want to do and I hope I can convince her to just let me do that one.
• Company services, i.e. designing the programs we're going to implement (mine being weight management). This is where I think the coach training will come in handy. Could I still work with clients beforehand and does she have a plan for what she wants me to do with them already? Probably, but she's asking us to contribute our thoughts to the process and have a hand in creating things. So we're not just employees, but partners. That's one thing I like about the job despite the uncertainty.
• Tax stuff – the newest addition to the agenda which I hadn't accounted for but need to now. Not only will I have to file quarterly, but there's a lot of extra stuff she's having us do that requires a lot more paperwork and a lot more learning on my part. It's like another class in itself that she said she'll set aside time to work with us on.

So now that I've got this stuff delineated in my head, I hope we can tackle them in an organized fashion / cooperative manner. In my first week, we spent a lot of time learning about the company and the boss's vision. In the second week that continued somewhat, but we also had to 'let the dust settle' as people made decisions about whether this was the right place for them, etc. Now that we have our small team together, I just want to start really being productive. I think the others feel the same. I'm praying this works out because sometimes you encounter things that seem too good to be true and then that ends up being the case. Promises are made and you keep chugging along in the hope that you'll get a payoff and then you don't or you end up costing yourself money because after all the energy you put forth and the hope you pinned on the outcome, it'd be a shame to walk away, ya know? I haven't gotten a red flag to walk away yet, but I'm nervous nonetheless. I don't want anything to come up that will make me leave because I'll feel like “damn, I wanted that so bad! And I passed up other more traditional jobs that might've been safer.” I'm praying this works out.

As for my digestive stuff, I've had a few good days of feeling better, mysteriously. And I've gotten a nice break where if I want to schedule doctor appts, I have 2 week days per week free to do that (for the time being) without missing work. Something I wrote down the other day that I don't remember if I mentioned on the blog was that I always hated not knowing when I'd get to eat or when I'd get to move around, and that may have partly contributed to my disordered habits. I still don't always know when I'll get to do those things, but somehow they're working out with me sort of going with the flow of things. Going with the flow doesn't always equate to some great compromise the way it somehow used to for me. And that's a good thing.

As for my reading that I do for myself on my own time, it may take a bit of a backseat at the moment, but that's okay. (The reading for myself includes both 'pleasure' pleasure and 'educational' pleasure...fiction and memoirs related to health, plus online discussion forums and support groups that I mentioned in my last post). I checked out one forum and one book related to it so I can sort of check it off as having been done and don't have an urgent need to continue with it or make it part of my normal schedule. But the other, like the 'pleasure' pleasure reading, is still on the plate for consumption if I ever get to it. But my job / work comes first. I used to think I could relate some of it to work (eating disorder stuff), but as engaging as that subject still is to me, it's second to my coaching clients in real life who don't have eating disorders (that's relegated to psychologists and I'm not a psychologist). And since I don't think my personal health situation is at the forefront right now (and since I don't have time), I might scratch in-person support groups off the list completely. If I were really in need of more communication / networking, I'd go for it, but I think I'll be getting enough through my work. I've got co-workers and whoever I happen to come in contact with through marketing our company, my existing family and friends, and maybe my couple former classmates who I could reach out to which I haven't gotten around to in a while. So yeah, I've got a lot going on.

Job and Health Update

Week two of new job finished. It's hard to know where to start when writing about it because things are still kind of speculative / in the birthing stages. In other words, it's not simply a new location but more like a new business that's just getting off the ground. And along with that is figuring out exactly what is going to be happening on a daily basis and how things are going to happen. Especially when there are so few of us running the place. We're going to need a lot more staff (for specific things like medical billing, nursing assistants, sales, etc). But for now, it's the owner / doctor, head nurse, office manager, and me. And we're all considered consultants, as we're all going to be working with clients (mine will be in the weight management program). I guess during the past few days we've continued learning about more of the products we're going to be prescribing. One additional modality we covered yesterday was the ionic foot bath. It's basically a cleansing process in which the water interacts with a compound electric current that enables toxins to be released from your body. After your feet soak in it, the water turns different colors, each of which indicates a certain type of toxin being released.

Today we (one of the new hires and I) got to see our first appointment. A client with stomach cancer had come in a few times previously to start treatment. This afternoon he continued with another foot cleanse and a session on the bio-mat. He'll be coming in next week as well. We aren't booked with many appointments yet, although the goal is to eventually get booked up. But we have to be ready for that. For example, having the office set up – some of which got done today.

 

I haven't written about my own health updates since before my last post, but I might as well now. The first round of medicine I took (which I thought was going to be a magical cure as the industry makes it out to be) did nothing for me. I went searching for possible reasons it might not work and came upon some alternative medicines that purported to do the same thing. So my doc prescribed me another one. I'm a little more than halfway through that one, and I'm still not noticing any improvement. I'm really confused and concerned about this. And looking forward to making a follow-up appt in which I say, “okay, what is going on here?” The fact that I'm now working for an alternative health company has not escaped me, and it's sort of an option in my mind. But I guess I'll see what happens.

In thinking about the source of certain medical conditions like mine, psychology still enters the picture. I'm not saying that the condition itself is psychological in nature; it is truly a physical condition. But did a psychological condition lead to a physical manifestation? Again, we learned about that in the video we watched the first day of orientation. But it's interesting. For example, I think my mind controls how much energy I have sometimes. The more I have to do, the more energized I am and the less I have to do, the less energized I am. I think weight issues and GI problems are related. When you don't have a lot to do, your consciousness automatically goes inward and you have to compensate for not having a lot to do. In contrast, when you're challenged, your attention is on the task and the body takes care of itself. There has been evidence that anorexics, when given the opportunity to care for others, focused less on how their bodies felt and more on who they were caring for. It's scientific. The flow theory is scientific as well. The optimal state of being is when one is doing something at which he is skilled but also challenged. When we aren't engaged in this state enough, that's when problems occur. 

I started jotting down my symptoms again this week in an attempt to see if there was a pattern or a difference depending on how much I ate / exercised, etc. I was curious about whether I might feel better if I ignored the discomfort for a bit and just pushed through with 'normal' eating, functioning, etc. For instance, perhaps the things I feel are normal when you're trying to get weight back up? But I'm not really convinced of that because if I ignore the discomfort for too long, it eventually builds up and I have to address it again. And medically speaking, diagnostics do indicate that something is amiss.

Perhaps I could go looking for some networking / educational opportunities again in new / different places than I may have tried before. (I use 'networking' synonymously with 'support' 'cause it sounds cooler, hehe). But it's been a while and I've been through a lot in recent years and I'm eager to keep growing and expanding as much as I can. Especially now that school is practically finished. (One last paper to finish this weekend and I'm completely done!) What's on my plate now is work, possibly the wellness coaching certification still at some point, reading for pleasure when I can (have to keep up with my goodreads list), and getting my health squared away. And whatever educational things that might be tied in specifically with my job. It's a lot, but none of it is anything I don't wanna do. I wanna do it all, and I want to have endless hours in a day to do it!

New job!

I just got hired for a job I applied to! I interviewed for it last week on Monday, got the call on Wed. evening, then started orientation on Tues. this week. It's at a holistic health center that does naturopathy / alternative medicine, and they're just opening a new location (with plans to expand even more). I like being part of things that are just starting up and teams that are close-knit. And I like that my passion and work will finally be combined!

On day one we watched a film about how the body and mind are connected. That was really inspiring. I remember learning about some of it in psychology – about how people in modern society find themselves in the 'fight or flight' mindframe more often than is healthy. It's designed to protect us, but whenever we're in protection mode, it inhibits the growth function of cells and that leads to disease. Even the word disease can be broken down into 'dis' and 'ease,' meaning when we're not 'at ease,' we have disease. How true!

We also started learning about the things the center does / offers. One thing is hydration therapy with kangen water. It's water that you filter through a machine to alter the ph level to increase oxygenation. Pretty fancy. They also do nutrition and weight management, stress management, and pain / disease management (particularly for patients whose doctors have given up or given them a terminal diagnosis). With alternative strategies and reshaping of thoughts, people have overcome cancer, Alzheimer's patients have improved their memory...I'm impressed. Two modalities we learned about yesterday which were completely new to me were pulsed electromagnetic field therapy and bio-mats. The magnetic therapy breaks up red blood cells and enables circulation to improve, and the bio-mats are made with amethyst crystal which provides far infrared rays and negative ions to energize cells.

What will I be doing? Well, a couple of things. Since I have a little bit of experience with biometric screening (thanks to the undergrad exercise testing and prescription class I took), I might do some of that at health fairs. (They'll have nurses on staff to do it at the center). I might be doing some appt scheduling and reception also. But the clinical director liked that I had a wellness background, so she wants to have me work with her on corporate wellness stuff. Details are still being ironed out, but overall I'm excited that I got this opportunity

Digestive health & nutrition

My career change came about through a desire to get healthy and help others be healthy too. I know I've probably mentioned that before, and lately in my posts I've been talking about developments in both my career and in my own health separately. But believe it or not, when I find companies I want to work for, I sometimes look at them through the lens of a job seeker AND a consumer. Not all companies – for example, I would not be seeking weight loss services or health insurance. But for some companies that promote holistic / integrative health, I think to myself, “yeah, I'm a consumer of that.” I guess specifically, though, I'm trying to repair my digestive health. And I did not study gastroenterology, so I would not be qualified to help anyone with that, but digestion and nutrition are such relatable and accessible topics that it makes sense that they'd be driving forces behind my being in the health and wellness field in general. Everything is connected.

While it seemed that I'd found a solution to my problem, I'm finding that even though there is a specific medicine to treat the specific condition, there's an ongoing process of maintenance that needs to be carried out. So I might simply never be able to go back to my previous ways. Just as maintaining weight is a way of life, so is digestion. I can't really say if there's anything I did to cause my condition, but for whatever reason, I couldn't digest certain carbohydrates or foods containing fodmaps (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols). There's a special diet built around avoiding such foods, which is really restrictive (at least in my opinion). There are so many foods normally considered healthy that you can't have if you want to avoid intestinal backlash. And it sucks because it makes me rethink everything I thought I knew about what was good for me. I DID know what was good according to what they teach in school, but in school I never learned about specific GI problems that make that stuff moot. I wish it could be as easy as finishing my medicine and going back to what I knew was healthy and adding probiotics. But I don't know if it will be yet. I don't know if I'll need to avoid certain foods indefinitely.

And here's another thing. I haven't even totally adopted the suggested diet modification yet because it seems too difficult! For instance, take whole wheat. It has fiber and vitamins and nutrients. If you eliminate it, you have to make sure you get those things elsewhere. But the urgency of eliminating it isn't as great for me as it'd be if I had a wheat allergy or celiac disease (which I don't). But I may have an intolerance. Intolerances don't really do any severe damage to your body the way food allergies and celiac disease do, but they cause discomfort. So the question becomes, do you want to deal with the discomfort or not? And one more final thing. I've come across a plethora of special diets for GI problems like mine. Not only is there the low fodmap one, there's also the “specific carbohydrate diet,” the GAPS diet, and some others. And there are some differences in them – like one food that may be okay on one of them isn't okay on another. So it sort of drives you crazy. Who knew that digestive health could be so damn complicated? But I guess that brings me back to the beginning when I was saying that it's an ongoing process to stay healthy in life.

Goings-on

I finally got a diagnosis for my physical ailment which is what I thought it might be, so I'm glad it's figured out. Kinda sucks that my doctor didn't think to do this most recent test until after I wasted lots of money on another more expensive test that I didn't need. And I'm having to jump through hoops to get the medicine for what I now know I have. It's so expensive that there's a manufacturer hotline for it which offers the chance of getting financial assistance. I'm hoping that works out, but I won't know for a bit.

My sport psychology class is underway, and it seems really interesting. Even if it's not my career goal, I still love it the way I love fiction (which also isn't my career). Speaking of fiction, which I don't normally write about, I've managed to keep reading without too much of a break despite the busy grad school load I had! I've always feared being too busy (and I hope I don't jinx myself now) but since the start of last semester I finished Beautiful Creatures, Shatter Me (the last book of the series because I'd read the other two previously), Divergent, and now I'm halfway through the Maze Runner series. Since so many books are being made into movies now, that's sort of how I'm determining what I read next.

For my internship, I've had two more meetings since my first. It's not like a traditional job where I go into an office everyday or have set hours or anything. She works out of her home, so when we meet, it's for a few hours once a week (that's what it's been so far), and my classmate who interned with her during the spring has come the last two times and we've all been working together. It's fun. And she usually makes sure we have stuff to work on throughout the week at our own home. One project is a book she's writing on marijuana, which she plans to publish soon so people in Florida can be better informed when it comes time to vote on legalizing it for medical use in November. I'm contributing to it by researching and providing info on marijuana cessation (with the idea being that if it gets legalized, more people will probably use it and there might be a need to help people quit if it turns into addiction). At this point, people who want to quit are referred to drug abuse programs because it is a drug. People haven't really thought about it as being similar to smoking cigarettes, but it is similar to that as well. There are many smoking cessation programs, but none specifically geared toward marijuana. I talked to someone in Colorado about whether there might be something like that in the works, but she said there isn't anything. She said they have a hard enough time getting people to quit tobacco and no one seems to want to quit marijuana either. I'm not particularly focused on drug issues, but it does relate to the health and wellness field. When I mentioned that I had an interest in program development, C (as I'll refer to her now to make it easier) said she could tie it into this project.

The other stuff I've been working on has been related to my finding an actual job in the field. She helped me revise my resume and I've started checking boards regularly now. I'm checking the Dept. of Health, some industry boards my professor gave me (phfr.com, hfit, hpcareer.net, bluefishjobs to name a few), careerbuilder (under the search term 'wellness coach' as opposed to browsing job categories which are too broad on that site), and craigslist as a back-up. Additionally, I went through all the brochures I collected at the Wellness Expo back in December and found one for a company in St. Pete that does exactly what I want to do – their employees do wellness coaching and give presentations and workshops on a variety of topics to a variety of clients. I don't really know if I'm qualified for it yet, but C is telling me to try anyway because some places might provide training. Speaking of which, she's letting me go through the binder for the WellCoaches program that she did so I can get some self-study out of it before signing up to do the actual program (which I said I wanted to do in my last post). I still want to do the program, I'm just not sure when yet. And speaking of the Wellness Council (which sponsered the Expo I went to), I'm now on their email list so I just got notified of a mini-conference they're having next month on behavior change. So I've got that marked on my calendar. And also a meeting in July for the Partners in Obesity Prevention group that I just found out about from my classmate.

I'm not sure if I should hold out for a job in my field at this point or not. I've come across a few things where I thought “well, I could be doing this in the meantime” or “if nothing happens for a while and I really need something I could apply.” But I like being able to devote more time to my class and internship and searching for jobs in my field and going to networking things and all. Or maybe I just initially felt too busy to go applying for things that, at the time, seemed do-able but weren't long-term prospects. I don't know, we'll see.

Career planning

Fourth semester is done! And I already had my first meeting for my internship on Friday last week which went really well. I basically have myself a career coach / mentor who's advising me on where I fit / will fit in the industry (being a consultant herself, she's worked in many areas of it). I know in my last post I said I was veering away from being a fitness specialist “because it was never the only thing I was interested in.” Originally, the idea of teaching group exercise and doing fitness assessments / prescriptions appealed to me because it was a way to get out from behind a desk and a way to cure myself of my own health issues. But as I've mentioned, my health issues actually elevated themselves in the last semester and came to interfere with my ability to do that exercise stuff I was originally gonna do. That's an additional reason why I started crossing over into health promotion. And while there may be a little bit of question as to whether I chose the right graduate degree, I can say that it was probably the only degree program I would've gotten accepted into. (And I was lucky I applied when I did because they've now upped the criteria to get in; I probably wouldn't get in if I applied now). So I don't have any huge regrets; my degree is kind of like a door opener that will allow me to pursue other certifications. Originally, I would've gone for the HFS from ACSM, but I'm scrapping that. I want to get my wellness coaching certification from WellCoaches. It does have a training program you have to go through instead of simply studying on your own like some certifications, but I do qualify for it because of my degree (they accept a range of health related degrees). Getting the specific work that that will allow me to do seems like the most immediate job search strategy for me – in other words, it's what I'd qualify for the quickest. The other interest I have, health promotion / education, seems a little further from my reach. Some of the job ads I saw for wellness coaches actually did incorporate that, though, which was cool. They were a combo of one-on-one coaching and implementing wellness programs. If I can do that, I'll be happy and fulfilling my goal. But some health education jobs require the CHES certification (certified health education specialist) which I don't qualify for. For that, I'd need some further education (like an MPH degree). And another upward move from wellness coaching would be licensure for counseling (there are actually a lot of different licenses out there related to behavioral health). But again, I have to focus on the now. It seems to be continually evolving, but I'm moving forward.

Post to procrastinate working on final projects for school

I am going to be interning with the person from whom I hoped to hear, which I'm really happy about! And I'm becoming more certain about letting go of the idea of becoming a fitness specialist in favor of becoming a health promotion specialist / wellness coach. It just seems like a better fit, I think. Wellness is a more global concept (of which physical fitness is just one aspect). While I definitely had an interest in fitness, it was never the only thing I was interested in. And it feels sorta repetitive for me to go into it again, so I don't know if I will too much. It's just on my mind, that's all. The idea of what makes us feel happy. Sometimes it's being active, sometimes it's being creative...but it's always about being in a state of 'flow.' When you don't have that, that's when wellness (be it mental or physical, because they're so connected) is impacted. I know this. I've been trying to find a way into it, trying to figure out how it fits/applies to my life at the same time. And I feel like I'm on the precipice of getting into it, of joining my interests with my work so they'll finally be merged. I hope!

And I want to form new relationships like the ones I formed in undergrad. I want to recreate that feeling I had upon joining a close-knit community (like theatre school) where simply being present gives you a sense of belonging and an almost automatic erasure of lines that divide professional from personal. Where you can just share everything. Because as adults, we have so many secrets and protective walls and it's kind of rare to break those down because we always have to be professional, ya know? But I can feel new opportunities on my horizon. They have to be there. It's funny, one of my best friends used to say that if people could read her, great – but she wouldn't volunteer information about herself unless someone asked. I often feel like I have so much I want to volunteer but it's the type of stuff you just don't. So you secretly hope and wish for someone to ask, lol. For that opportunity to arise where you can break down walls. I guess it's the old theatre person in me that still longs for that and still is obsessed with human nature. Obsession with human nature can manifest itself in theatre, literature, psychology...all the subjects I was interested in – and science. And wellness and health. Now that I think about it, I suppose there's some sense in grouping the terms 'arts and sciences.' (Universities often have 'colleges of arts and sciences.') They can go together. Maybe I'll have a unique marketing angle for myself as a wellness coach someday – 'background in theatre and exercise science.' Lol.

4th semester almost done!

Well, there is much to keep up with regarding my physical health, and I don't know if it's worth writing about except that it's interesting to me. Is 'interesting' even the right word? Maybe important? Relevant? I don't know. Anyway, I'm now taking four vitamin supplements because I was deficient in them. I didn't have anything abnormal show up from an upper endoscopy, but the doctor just now suggested I do the hydrogen breath test, which seems like it would target my symptoms a little better. (SIBO, intolerance to certain sugars, etc.) If anything shows up from that, the treatment I think would just be diet and probiotic (or maybe antibiotic) related. Which I'm kind of already doing, but I guess it never hurts to dig a little deeper. It's just that the digging gets expensive after a while. Like I really need medical costs right now, right? Another suggestion that had been mentioned before was a gastric emptying test to check transit time of food. That sounds like an interesting test because I've always been curious about it, but do I suspect any abnormality there? I think it's one of those things that can vary from day to day depending on lifestyle or hormones...but that's just my non-medical guess. So while it may be interesting, I don't know if it's actually necessary.

As for summer plans, they're still up in the air. I didn't get any of the corporate site internships which I was a little bummed about at first. But my professor gave me another lead and I got a 'possibility depending on schedule which I'll know by mid-April' response from the wellness person my classmate is interning with right now. I also got to thinking if I didn't get a corporate internship, maybe it'd give me a chance to volunteer a few hours at more than one place simultaneously?

I'm also not sure if there will be any wellness center training over the summer. The once-a-week training that was supposed to happen this semester got cancelled so the coordinator said she'd try to do some over the summer. Guess I'll see about that too. But so far I have my one online class, the task of starting to search the job boards for a real job for when I get done in August, and the rest of my medical appts which are still gonna be happening throughout the summer. Oh, and maybe studying for the HFS certification exam. See? I'm gonna be totally busy even without having a 40-hour a week internship. I still do want some practical experience, of course, but it's nice to know I could maybe take half a day off if I need to without worrying I'll miss something. I hope everything works out. Right now I need to get through these last few weeks of the spring semester. (At least comp exams are done, I passed those). Won't life be grand when I get a job in my field and I'm healthy and I'm paying for things and I can relax like a normal person? That's not to say I'm not normal now; it just feels more like 'life is on the line' or 'so much is at stake' or something. But even when things are like that, you can still sometimes step back from it in your mind, read a book, be with friends, pretend that everything is the way you want it. Technically, if you're doing something by choice, whatever 'stage' you're in should already be 'what you want.' Even if it's meant to lead somewhere else. It's about being in the moment I guess. And while my current stage is definitely challenging, it's where I've chosen to be.

Plans / update

I've had several more internship interviews but haven't gotten a 'yes' yet. Still waiting to hear from my top choice. Thinking about what to do if I don't get it (or any of the corporate wellness ones). Or what to do if I get one and discover afterwards that I might be better at promotion or coaching (the two things I like that don't include the fitness testing and teaching group exercise – which are duties in the corporate setting). I have to talk to my professor again and see if it's feasible to go straight into those things without first doing the corporate stuff.

I think in an old post I may have mentioned that I thought being in a new field of study (that I enjoyed) would cure me of whatever problems I may have been having with my body. And that it had turned out not to be true. But they say eating disorders are often a way of coping with some other issue. If my other issue wasn't being unhappy with my life direction (which I was), then what was it? I don't think there was anything else. I think the main thing is for me to keep pushing forward with the new career and see what happens. My eating behavior isn't as abnormal as I thought it was (contrary to what some may think) because I've been doing food logs with the nutritionist. I used to hate doing those, but now I find myself saying 'I should write that down' whenever I eat. (As if I didn't already have enough to occupy my mind, right?) But I feel like it's for a reason, so I do it. And it doesn't mean I'll have do it forever. If it turns out I have any physical/medical issues, then they're the only thing I think I'll have to deal with from now on. (And if I don't have any, I won't have anything to deal with). I know that sounds crazy and I'm not saying I didn't legitimately have mental struggles (everyone has some, after all). Just saying that they'd probably have to be worse in order for me to get anything more out of treatment. Which I guess is good. At least that's where I am right now, anyway.

Wellness center training & thoughts from workshops

I'm being challenged to reconsider how I think about energy balance. It only came to mind yesterday from the workshop I attended, but I think it's crucial. Somehow I got into seeing it as this exact science, where I wanted my body to be at this equilibrium stage all the time, where I wanted it to be the same, feel the same all the time. But is that really possible? Things are going to vary, but over time our bodies are more consistent than we might think. Or more consistent than I may have thought, lol. It will even itself out without me needing to control it so much. And control is a tricky thing, because health is something we can control, but we can't take it too far. So we have to learn what is the best thing for us to do that falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between lack of any control at all and too much.

Last week I also attended an orientation session on becoming a peer health educator for the wellness center at school. It sounds like something I definitely want to do, and training starts next month. One hour a week for 7 weeks plus some extra things in between, like shadowing workshops, volunteering at events, etc. But we will learn about giving presentations and doing health promotion stuff which is totally in line with my degree. And something I actually favor over the teaching group fitness and doing the fitness testing which are the other major components of being a health fitness specialist for corporate wellness. So I figure it'll be a beneficial supplement for me and / or something that will help my job prospects in the event I find myself veering more towards health promotion stuff (which I don't know yet). We shall see.

Update

I had an interview for the internship I applied to which went pretty well. This week I applied to a few others and have a second interview lined up (via phone). It's a little scary to think about doing real-world stuff with what I've learned in class, but is there really a reason I wouldn't be able to do it? When you frame it like that, it helps, I think. And on the flip side, there's excitement in the idea of getting to have a job that's more than 'just a job.'

How goes the effort to improve my own health? I thought the answers I was seeking would lead to some revelation and/or contribution to the field, but I think that's kind of lofty. To think that I'd know / figure out something no one else knew? Lol. Actually, to have that desire is not shameful. Who wouldn't want to do that? But I'm sort of toning down that expectation / ambition in favor of figuring out what other people may already know that I don't. Maybe the answer is already in existence. I think I have to believe it is in order to start working in the field, period. (I know this is very abstract and vague, but I know what I'm thinking about even if no one else does right now, which is okay).

The week of 2/24 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I'm gonna try to attend some of the workshops at my school that are being held in conjunction with that. A 'Fit Body and Mind' one about exercise and self esteem and a 'Eat Smart, Live Smart' one about healthy eating and nutrition myths. You'd think that being an exercise science major, I'd know everything already. Like “exercise is good. Do it.” Lol. It's common sense, right? But I'm hoping it will sort of go beyond that. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I just have to do everything I can to educate myself.

I'll be having some more diagnostic tests in the near future to determine if there are any physical issues impacting me (malabsorption of nutrients? malnourishment?). But I am having a tiny bit of improvement with probiotics. And mentally / psychologically, it's still a grayish area. The fixation on my body (which is more a fixation on how I feel physically rather than how I look in the mirror) is still, I think, maybe a side effect of other things. What other things? That's what's really hard to define. You'd think if things were going well in life, that would decrease the fixation, wouldn't it? I guess life is very variable. I'm curious to see what will happen when my daily routine changes after this semester and what kind of impact that will have. It's all about discovery and moving forward and staying busy!

New year, 4th semester, goings-on so far

I'm glad I don't have a demanding job while being a student because it means I can devote the time I would've spent at a job to studying and have a little extra time for myself. For pleasure reading, maybe?During my previous three semesters I mostly reserved pleasure reading for breaks and didn't mix it with classes. I felt I was too busy / distracted to read, and there's sometimes a measure of guilt that goes along with it too. But here I am coming up to the fourth week of classes and I'm on the last book in a series I started last month shortly before finals. Living dangerously, hehe. But honestly, a person should have some free time, right? I'm kind of a work-a-holic in the sense that if there's something I know I could be doing to be productive, I want to just do it. But you learn to compartmentalize things because otherwise it'd be easy to drive yourself crazy working endlessly on something, even though you might feel like you actually could. It's about balance. 

But having said that, I should at least mention my classes I'm taking now. Legal aspects of physical activity (with the professor I had for health promotion last semester who I really like and who usually doesn't give us too big a workload) is one. Another is Fitness assessment and prescription which, so far, is pretty much like the undergrad testing & prescription class I took last spring. One thing that's different is that we're gonna have to do a project where we come up with our own fitness plan or something (the details are still being worked out). It wasn't one of my most looked forward to classes to be honest, but it was a requirement. And I should really try to retain some of it considering how my own fitness issues are being addressed in another arena outside of class (which I'll get to later). The last class is Lifespan fitness, a subject that is somewhat interesting to me but which happens to be taught by my most intimidating professor who always gives the biggest workload and who makes even a subject of interest to me seem so hard it might as well be rocket science. Seriously, the studies she makes us read are still filled with physiological stuff and obscure numbers and facts and statistics and I always feel like a kindergartner trying to make sense of it all. But whatever.

So reading and classes I covered. In addition to doing what it takes to pass my classes this time around (why is it always a scary thought?), I have comprehensive exams right after Spring Break in March. I think that might be a time when I'll have less time for pleasure reading and when time management will really come into play. I always fear not having enough time, but I think fear happens only when I look ahead. Sometimes it's better when I'm in the midst of something and don't have to worry about it because I'm too busy concentrating on what it is I'm actually doing.

So classes and exams. The final two things I have to mention are applying for internships and the counselor/nutritionist/physician action plan I'm on to get well. (Might as well mention it instead of beating around the bush). I sent my resume and cover letter to one internship (my top choice) so far. This was done under the assumption that I will be well enough to do it as planned over the summer. The other alternative is that I won't be well enough and will have to put it off until after I graduate – which I'm hoping won't be the case. But the only reason I even think it is because getting well is a process that takes time. I haven't seen the GI doctor yet (but will soon), and I've had a couple counseling sessions so far to address the head part of being underweight. It is both physical and mental. It's still too early for me to answer any of my own questions that I posed here in previous posts, but I hope soon that will change.

I guess that's all for now!