End-of-year goings-on

Well, the semester has come to an end. It sort of felt like a breeze compared to last year when I had papers to write and physiology to learn. I wonder if next semester will be a return to some of that...guess I'll see. I'll have 3 evening classes, tutoring middle-schoolers on Monday mornings again, some internship interviews (once I actually apply - which I'll do right when the semester starts), and more doctor appointments. I wonder if I'll be able to incorporate anything I learn from them into my blog here. So far I don't have much. But I can say I took the Eating Attitudes Inventory which was very enlightening. And I'm going to explore some of the stuff about control and about the idea that doing something I like (which I am) and being productive, which I thought was the answer / cure for whatever problems I may have had, perhaps isn't the sole answer to being healthy. And if it isn't, what is? It's important for me to know both for my own sake and for whoever I may be helping once I start working. Because I DO want to help people on an individual basis. And one avenue for that is wellness coaching which I'm going to look into once I have my degree in hand. (The degree is a prerequisite for a lot of extra certifications like that, and the HFS, the NWI stuff, etc). (I did get my AFAA certification, by the way). One thing I'd like to help people with is being in tune with their bodies and being able to feel when they have energy and stuff. Because you know how in nutrition they say “eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full”? And they call it intuitive eating? My thinking is that it should be the same with exercise and physical activity. When you have a burst of energy, go ahead and burn it. When you don't, then don't. But the problems I foresee are that people might claim to not ever have energy (which can be addressed) and the fact that the times when you feel energetic (or at least when I do) are so random – so how do you accommodate your natural inclinations / instincts with everyday life? THAT is something I want to explore, and I really feel like it's an area where I can make a difference. As long as I figure out if what I think I know about being healthy is right or wrong. Hence, the doctors. I thought I knew. But really, I know how to be skinny. And that's not the same. Especially when being skinny comes with a cost. It didn't used to come with a cost. I didn't always have the issues I have now. But it's going to be corrected. And I am going to bring something to this field, I'm determined!

But now it's Christmas. Time to finish shopping, to see family and friends, to read the books I rarely have time for (I started one last week, actually – even though school didn't end until this week!) That always makes me happy. In the back of my mind I'm thinking “there's so much I'm gonna have to do after this winter break, shouldn't I be preparing?” But I guess a little indulgence is okay. :)

Supplemental Education

So my AFAA certification exam was yesterday. I feel like I did okay on the written portion, but I'm not sure about the practical. The nice thing about our moderator was that she pointed out corrections to us while we were practicing if she saw something off in our alignment. So I tried to take everything into account. But the more revelatory thing that's come out of this group exercise experience for me is making sure I'm healthy. It took until halfway through my 3^rd semester of grad school to finally take some action on that. It wasn't just the challenge of the group exercise stuff that made me take action, but digestive issues that started creeping up as well. So I'm going to consult with some wellness practitioners on campus to try and sort through some things. One of which might be how quitting figure-skating all those years ago affected me. Being an athlete and not being one are two very different lifestyles. Not everyone has to be an athlete, but if you're not one, it doesn't mean you should barely eat enough to survive. And that's sort of what happened with me, I think. Or maybe it's a mixture of that with some other things, I don't know. I just looked back at one of my posts from August about things I might be able to contribute to my field to remind myself what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how mental states affect your physical state. So that could still have a tie-in, maybe. I'm really eager to explore this stuff – maybe now I finally will be able to. And it's not part of my classes. But being in the classes I'm in sort of jump-started this action step, which is awesome. That's what you want in life – to have one thing lead to another. USF has a wellness dept (not an academic program, just a dept). And although it's separate from the exercise science program, the exercise science program led me to it. And maybe it will lead me to something else, who knows. But I will put everything together in the end, and that's what I'm most excited about.

More goings-on

Well, I've done the warm-up, combos, and cool-down, and now I have one class left to teach – which will be the whole thing (with strength / floor work being the last new component). I still go back and forth between feeling like I have a handle on it and not feeling like I do. But I think part of that is being busy with other classes at the same time and having to juggle things. I feel like if I spent more time on group exercise stuff, I'd eventually get to a better, more confident place. But it does take time. That's why I'm not sure if I'll be ready to apply for an actual teaching position next semester or not. Regardless, at least I'll have my certification and the knowledge that I'll need for my internship.

The tutoring (since I haven't talked about that in a while) is going pretty well. Although no one ever told me exactly how to tutor or gave me much direction, I found I was okay with that. I've kinda been able to wing it, talk with the kids, explain some things in a way I hope was helpful to them. So I kinda surprised myself in picking this up. And in liking it. I never wanted to be a teacher because it seemed scary to me. And maybe there were some other reasons too, I just can't think of them right now. But being in the classroom and watching the teachers has made me think perhaps I could've done it. Maybe in another life. There are many things I think I could've done, but there isn't always time to do all of them. Sometimes you have to choose. But that's okay. I'm still enthusiastic about worksite wellness and health promotion (and maybe wellness coaching?)

Wellness is such a priority for me because it affects so many things. I feel like if you're not well, then everything else goes to crap. But maybe that attitude is somewhat rooted in my ocd nature and compulsion to control things and have everything be perfect all the time. If I can't control something, it drives me crazy. (Maybe that's not the healthiest, but at least I recognize it). Anyway, wellness is something I've always felt like I could control for the most part. A lot of times you CAN control it - by choosing what you eat, how much you move around, etc. (And you can choose what you do for a living, choose your friends, choose your outlook...there's so much!) So choose healthy, be healthy / happy. And talk about the things that escape your control despite your choices.

One thing that sometimes escapes my control is reproductive hormones that change my body constitution / mess up normal body functions even though I personally don't change my normal habits. It's frustrating, it takes time out of my schedule...and exercise sometimes makes it worse, ironically. So I've had to force myself this week even though it was killing me. Another thing was having the internet go out when I was trying to do statistics stuff. I'm no stranger to it going out, because it does a lot. But I had to redo work I'd already done because the program I was doing it in froze and I couldn't save it. And on top of that, the printer went beserk for two days because of something I tried to print from the stats program. I'm guessing that was due to the internet too. It would randomly spit out one page here and there (which took a thousand hours by itself), it would freeze...so after turning it off and giving up, on day two it started trying to do that job again. And it kept freezing again. I don't know how it finally came out, but it did, thankfully. It was just such a nightmare. And another...I'm getting all bug bitten which makes me wonder if there's something in my house. Usually I'll hear a mosquito if there is one, but I haven't found it. Last week I had to deal with a tree outside my window being cut down which was distracting. Another night I lost sleep over a palmetto bug (or flying cockroach, I'm never sure which) being in my room. Those things scare the living shit out of me for some reason, so I always end up barricading myself in another room to sleep when that happens. No joke. In the grand scheme of things, these are probably not catastrophic events. But as I said earlier, if it's something I can't control and if it gets in the way of things being perfect, I get down and frustrated. But what are you gonna do? Maybe say “this, too, shall pass.” And think about the things you have to be happy about. Because they are what's most important and what get you through.

More GFIT (the warm-up)

Even though it hasn't even been a week yet, I'm writing about group fitness again because it's my biggest learning curve right now. After my Friday meeting I started freaking out about being able to know / hear the start and end of all the 32 count phrases in the music. And being able to start my moves at the right place. But when practicing my warm-up today at home, I didn't let that be my biggest concern. I listened for the downbeat, of course, and sometimes I think I anticipated when a new phrase started. But I think that's the only way to do it. You have to be able to pick it up wherever. And I'm sure the 32-count will be more important when I design combinations, but luckily the warm-up can be a little looser as far as the number of side touches or marches I do.

That was another thing. Figuring out how many of those moves equaled a certain count (which was determined by how many beats ONE of them took and then multiplying). But it's hard when you're also counting the beat of the music in your head at the same time and you have to keep track of how many moves you've done. You know, every step of your foot is a beat, and if a move is more than one step, then you haven't completed a move. So to count the moves? But sometimes feeling with your body is easier than intellectualizing it. Right now I have to focus on transitioning between things, remembering everything I'm gonna do (they said we could put notes on the mirror if we want, but I might be able to remember the warm-up, we'll see), and talking through the stuff. Next week will be actual combinations and then after that, figuring out different exercises to do for different muscles and stuff. We've started familiarizing ourselves with that, but I'm sure I'll be writing down a lot more (along with steps) to make a notebook of things to pick out.

As for music, I downloaded the same mix my step instructor is using. I checked out some CDs from the campus rec music library too, but haven't listened to them yet. But I guess I have some choices now. And I know where to go to download stuff. But we can use the same CD for multiple classes and start it in different places (but if it's only an hour and the class is an hour, I guess there is some limitation). And some mixes are only one continuous track so I won't be able to jump around with those. And I can't plug my phone into the sound system because it's too old a version to be compatible. So I guess I'll have to find mixes that are actually separate tracks after this. Man, I feel like the pace of this group fitness instruction class is soo fast. But at least I haven't fallen behind yet. And hey, if something takes time to get, it's okay. As long as I'm applying myself and gaining knowledge. That, I am definitely doing.

More goings-on

GFIT

Fourth class of 12 tonight. I'm kinda back and forth between feeling confident and scared. Learning to count beats, when and how to cue...the importance of starting on a specific foot because it does matter. Trying not to look too far ahead because what IS ahead still seems over my head. But maybe once the bridge is reached, it will be crossable? I had my first shadow / team teaching day yesterday. It's a 'step n more' class. I did the class intro which wasn't too hard, and then took the class as a participant. Didn't quite get everything, but did my best to soak up everything I could. Next week I have to instruct the class in the warm-up, so this Friday she and I will get together to practice it. I guess there is a lot of time that goes into this class even outside the twice weekly regular meeting. But that's cool. I have to figure out the music situation too. And some other things that I think are bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness that I have questions about, but like I said, I can't think about too much at once. It's a lot. But I feel like writing about it a little might help me stay organized. Maybe. Hmm, I'm gonna have to choreograph stuff? Holy crap. But jumping ahead, Marianne, jumping ahead.

Tutoring

First day was Monday. It was mostly observation as I sat at a table in the corner of the classroom. There were four class periods that took place during my time there, and different things happened in each. For some, the kids worked on assignments on their own (vocab), in one the teacher did a quiz game on states and capitals...and each period was a different grade level. But during each one, the teacher introduced one or two kids to me and told them to tell me what they were having trouble with. I also introduced myself and said I'd be there every week to help them. So they're supposed to bring materials from whatever classes they need help with and hopefully I'll be able to help them during that class period. I hope I can do whatever it is they bring!

Because I changed places of employment (from the bookstore to tutoring), unemployment forced me into claiming another 'job termination' so I'll probably go back into permanent limbo with them again. Oh well. I've got a lot of other things to focus my energy on – like homework for my other classes and family stuff (they're here this week so I'm really multi-tasking at the moment). I might mention more family stuff in another post, but this is good for now, I think.

Goings-on

Today is my first day of GFIT – I got in! So relieved. There were actually only five other people besides me who auditioned, so that was cool. And they all seemed really nice, so I'm excited to take this class with them. It still scares me a little to think about actually teaching others, but that's when you know you're really living, right? When you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, try new things.

Speaking of new things, I'll be tutoring a week from today. I've never done it before and don't really know what to expect, but the idea of making a difference for kids in school appeals to me. I have an orientation for it tomorrow (a more detailed one than the one I had last week which was more of an overview and doing paperwork for HR).

Other things I did last week – went to the special computer lab in the education building to do my stats assignment because I don't have the software program, SAS, that they have in the lab. (I tried accessing it through the university apps on my computer at home, but it didn't work). A nice benefit was getting to ask the GA who worked there a question when I had one. Of course he had statistics and of course he answered it : )

I guess some of my time has also been devoted to keeping up my job search records for unemployment (because they still want proof of that even if you are working part-time and still receiving compensation). Not sure how long I'll keep getting it, but we'll see.

And I did other administrative tasks like emailing professors. Well, specifically the one who oversees internships for my program. When I asked about how / when to apply, she said grad students can only do them in the fall now. I'm not really too upset about that fact itself, but just the way she responded so matter-of-factly after she'd known about my intent for so long now. I'm NOT going to postpone my internship til next fall because I wouldn't get financial aid and I've prepared to do it this summer. So if I can't do it for academic credit, I'll do it on my own and just use my last 3 credit hours for the online sports psychology class. I should be able to handle one online class at the same time, right? My professor didn't even respond when I responded back. So helpful. But it's okay. Things seem to be going well overall, and that's what's more important.

First week done, job thoughts, health thoughts

I was excited to work at the college bookstore at first, but what I wrote about it in a previous post wouldn't hold true for the actual rush week that was this week (which is maybe comparable to Black Friday for regular retail workers). I got scheduled for 34 hours, pretty much all the time I wasn't in class. It wasn't bad when there were lots of books to put away or when the store was so crowded you could count on having to help someone find their books every time you turned around. Because as I've said before, having your mind engaged in something is better for your health than having to wander. But being on my feet for so many hours straight was something I wasn't used to. (I seriously don't remember how I worked in a warehouse for two and a half years a few years ago). And I was so paranoid about not taking too long of a break that I don't feel I gave myself enough time to eat or rest or whatever. Because I was always hungry, for one thing. And physically, it was just uncomfortable, and this is why. When you're on your feet, you're not sedentary the way you are in a cubicle, but it also isn't really exercise. My comfort zone is having sedentary periods mixed with periods of real exercise where I can digest properly and regulate my breathing and center of gravity better and all that. I don't know why almost every job I've had I've had to compromise the way I'd normally behave if I wasn't on the clock and being paid to do something. (And by 'behave' I mean physical health choices). And that's why I'm studying health!

Thankfully, on most days after this I'll get to just be home until mid-afternoon when I'll drive up to campus for class and nothing else. I am really good with that! One thing I never liked about college (and this comes from my FSU days as well) was trudging around campus carrying a ton of shit. It's way different than running (which I enjoy) without stuff weighing you down. It goes back to the gravity and breathing thing. You don't feel light the way you do when you're either resting or exercising for real. Instead, it's this in-between state of being which is neither rest nor exercise. And I don't know if it's good or bad, but I know it doesn't make me feel good. And I'm only writing about this because I'm viewing it as scientific inquiry. I've been so much more obsessed with my body and physical feelings over time that I've wondered if it's been too much. You know how when you're so busy with other things that you don't think about physical sensations as much and things just take care of themselves? I want that to be the norm for me. But sometimes I just can't help crossing over into obsession land when, for reasons beyond my control, I'm NOT busy enough or I have a job whose details I didn't anticipate. It's crazy.

I still feel like I'm trying to recover from the stuff I did this week. I know I messed something up in my body a few days ago when I spent too much time in one position while stretching, and as a result, felt like something shifted in my mid-section. Like above my stomach but below my chest. I think it happened once before and it eventually went away on its own, but it's uncomfortable. And frustrating when you feel like no matter what you do, it's not directly fixable except by waiting it out. And why did I spend longer in one particular position than normal? Because I didn't feel like myself after working and trudging around campus all day one day and not getting to stretch in between and...yeah. I guess I've said enough. I'm just glad the week is over and textbook employees won't be needed much more now. I have two more shifts, five hours tomorrow and four on Tues. Orientation for my tutoring job is also Tues., as well as class that night. So I have class and assignments, maybe GFIT auditions next Sat., getting birthday presents for Sept. birthdays, and becoming a long-distance auntie again in a few days. That's what's coming up!

Contributing to the world

For me, there's no limit to the number of times I can write about / ponder what I will contribute to the world. I think I have to continually think about it because the world does not easily remind me if I forget that I should be aiming to contribute something. In recent times, my focus has been on preparing for a new career and 'finding my place' and being happy and settled. Creation / contribution can then come from that, right? Or it can facilitate you finding your place and being happy. Here's a question. Do you have to be all settled before you can contribute? Not necessarily. But contribution is not a prerequisite for being happy. 

So yeah, I decided to try breaking into a new field where I could earn a living doing something I liked. (Instead of going after dead-end day jobs which I thought was necessary for people who wanted to be actors / writers / artists. You had to leave the focus for your art and not get bogged down with what you did for a living, right?) 

Side note: during the time when I was a frustrated artist and didn't know what else I wanted to do in life, I got very depressed and insecure. But I eventually realized that since a lot of people struggle with what they want to do, it doesn't mean you're any less of a person or that you have any reason to be less confident.

So is getting into a new field to earn a living doing something I like enough to fulfill me? Well, it's still way early to answer that question. Nevertheless, in moments when I'm not occupied, I come back to that question and try to figure out what I can do if it isn't enough. Or in other words, what could I contribute? In grad school, it's common for people to contribute to their field through research. And having aspired to write at an earlier stage in my life, it's pretty natural that I would enjoy the idea of researching, right? Ever since I started last fall, I've tried to put together ideas of what interests me. Unfortunately, they seem to be outside the realm of research. They don't constitute hard science. And I don't enjoy numbers and all the formal things that go along with research. I wished I could've brought about more discourse in the discussion forums that we had in my psychology of exercise class, because I feel I articulated what I was thinking pretty well. But no one responded, not even my professor. So I just let it go.

To re-articulate here, I mentioned in a previous post that I was interested in how emotions could affect what your body does / how you feel physically. For instance, you're more energized when you're happy or busy or when your mind is engaged, right? So wouldn't it make sense that you should aim to be happy, busy, mentally engaged? Maybe that's intuitive / instinctual. Nobody actually wants to be bored or depressed. How do we stay mentally engaged? That would vary from person to person I suppose. But exercise scientists never talk about that. There is some study on motivation, for sure, but it all centers on people exercising because they want to be healthy or it's fun, or whether people are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to exercise. They don't focus much on the variances from day to day in what you may be doing and how THAT affects whether you will or won't exercise. THAT's what I'm interested in, but it's too fuzzy of an area. 

 

If I don't contribute something in that area, though, is there another area where I could? It's funny, I was in Barnes and Noble today and I was looking for a book I randomly saw once but I couldn't remember the title or author. I thought it was a memoir so I browsed that section first. But then I remembered that sometimes memoirs can be put into the self-help section or humor or psychology or relationships / dating categories. I couldn't find it any of those, but I noticed a lot of books in the self-help section that dealt with figuring out your twenties, finding your place in the world, your identity, etc. I love that stuff, I've gotta say. Mostly because a lot of it is stuff I wish I'd read when I was actually in my twenties and going through those issues. But I think I've got a handle on some of the stuff those people write about. But I'm getting side-tracked here. I don't really anticipate breaking into the self-help stuff. But memoirs and fiction I've tried. And I always keep the idea of trying again in the back of my mind. (And I know now that you can write those things coming from any field. You don't have to be a waitress the way actresses do). After all, more life experience can often fuel those art forms.

 

Ideas that have come from my efforts in that area include what I mentioned above in the side note – you don't have to have everything figured out right away. (And that, coincidentally, crosses over into the psych stuff, but no matter). Also, if you don't have enough self-respect or security or confidence, you'll accept less than what you deserve in a significant other. (I know, a lot of what I'm saying here sounds self-help-ish, but they are revelations I got from recently re-reading my memoir and I thought they'd be interesting to mention). Another tidbit – you can't look at love as the answer to life if you don't already feel fulfilled on your own. I actually had some knowledge of that in my story because a lot of my despair was due to the fact that I felt unfulfilled without love and I couldn't successfully fulfill myself without it even though I was trying. (Again, the the too-high demands I had for myself were part of the reason I was insecure). And I knew that even when I had a guy depending on me, it didn't have the same meaning that love from someone good would've had if I'd felt fulfilled on my own already.

As a corollary to not seeing love as the answer to everything, you have to not see a lover as better than yourself. You should see him or her as your equal.

 

I was naïve when I was in my early twenties. I wore my heart on my sleeve too much. I tried to get away from my sheltered past so much that I went too far in the other direction. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn't have. I pursued something that was inappropriate because of the lack of reciprocation which I now know not to do because you can't change people. And you shouldn't have to change them.

 

My story was not unique. It was interesting in the sense that I tried to see the humanity in someone who might've had some but who shouldn't have been worth associating with. The few normal, human aspects that I found couldn't make up for who he was overall. 

The one thing I was aware of during that time was the fact that my adventure could be turned into a story, and that I might grow from it (and growing would help me feel more fulfilled). Of course it took time and distance from the events (and the telling of the events) to really get the lessons, but hey. If I hadn't been aware of that little bit, I might not have come out of it the way I did.

If I had a concluding point here, I don't remember what it was. I know I was talking about ideas to contribute to the world. And I know the things I just talked about from my past writing are things I don't know what to do with other than say them here. I guess I just wanted to get all my 'contribution ideas' together in one place. And to organize my thoughts. And remind myself that it's always possible to think of more along the way. Maybe not just possible, but likely? I hope!

New gadget, new work

I'm not a tech person, but I have been learning / researching some things since getting my tablet. And acquiring knowledge / consuming information in any form is always good. I think I would've had an even bigger learning curve if I'd gotten a laptop because the Windows 8 operating system is a bit more complicated. Android, on the other hand, is pretty simple like a phone except it has a bigger screen like I wanted.

First, I wanted to be able to access the desktop versions of websites instead of the mobile versions, and that turned out to be pretty easy. I learned that chrome is a better browser to use on a touch screen than firefox. The tabs are laid out better and I can actually click things and select them and get drop-down menus that I can't get in firefox.

That leads me to the second thing – clicking. I got a stylus so I'd have an easier time with icons and buttons that are small and close together. At one point, I thought I was going to need a mouse - which you apparently can use with either bluetooth or a micro usb adapter (because the usb port on the tablet is smaller than regular usb ports). I even looked for a micro usb adapter and found that no stores carried them near me. Luckily, amazon had them, but it turns out I might not need a mouse since I discovered I can do everything I want without one.

The one thing that is a little more difficult without a mouse is copying and pasting. You can copy and paste by pressing down on the text and holding it for a few seconds, which highlights it and brings up the clipboard menu, but I had to fuss with it a lot to get it to work. Another simple thing I learned was how to right-click, which you do the same way – by pressing down and holding until you get the menu options for what you want (like opening something in a new tab).

What else? I explored the office app, Kingsoft Office, a little bit. I sent my resume to myself to test it out. The layout looked different on it than it did on my computer, so I tried to fix it by adjusting the margins. For some reason, I still couldn't get the lines of text to end at the same places, but I guess that's a minor issue. If I have to really concern myself with formal documents, I'll be on my pc anyway. But having some kind of office app on the tablet seems like one of the basic things to have so I can, at the least, open certain things. I can read pdf docs in it too, so I don't even know if I need a separate adobe reader app. Maybe not.

The google play store is where I download apps from. I didn't even know there was a google books app already installed, lol. I knew ipads had ibooks and I knew there were kindle and nook apps for people who didn't have actual kindles or nooks, but google has its own book app too. Cool. So I downloaded one e-book so far, a 2.99 novella that was a companion to On the Island, which I recently read. In doing that, I learned how to make the book readable offline and how to navigate through other options in the app.

And speaking of navigation, I did a lot of navigating through online manuals, including one for the tablet itself, since it didn't come with one. I had to learn what all the icons meant, where the settings were, and how to organize the homescreen and whatnot. I never really used bluetooth before now, but it's pretty nifty for connecting the tablet to other devices wirelessly. It's how I use the separate keyboard I got for it. And my bf was able to send photos to me through it from his phone (without having to email them). So that was cool too.

In other goings-on, I started work at the school bookstore. I'm not getting many hours, and the boss wasn't kidding when he said he'd have around 200 employees. I've never seen so many people working in one small place at once like this before. But I guess it's not a major problem. As far as the work itself goes, I really enjoy it a lot because I'm on my feet the whole time, there's more to do to keep busy than at many of my previous jobs, and I'm dealing with books! For someone who loves books and organizing, it's fun to go through the shelves and have an intricate system like the one we have for textbooks. I wonder if I'd had a chance to work in a bookstore at a younger age, would it have led me to a different career? One in bookselling? I guess it doesn't matter. I've gone through that stuff in my head before. All is good the way it is right now for me.

I got my textbooks after my shifts because I saw they were there and I figured I might as well. With an employee discount, it'd make sense, right? After I did that without thinking to research prices elsewhere beforehand, I found out that our bookstore is so overpriced, I could've done better with amazon than with the bookstore, even WITH the employee discount. Kinda crazy. But I ended up renting my statistics books which I wouldn't have been able to do on amazon without a prime account. So maybe it's not a big deal that I got them where I did when I did. Technically I could order my health promotion book from amazon for cheaper and return the other one to the bookstore, but I don't know. If I knew for SURE I'd get the employee discount at the end of employment like my boss said, I probably wouldn't. But I don't know for sure because of the fact that he didn't schedule me for any shifts this week. I hope he emails me back soon. It's so hectic dealing with 200 people, I don't know how he does it.

Another small d'oh moment I had money-wise recently was seeing styluses for tablets at the dollar store after I already got one from office depot for almost $14. Really? I could've gotten one for a dollar? I suppose sometimes we all overspend on certain things, but I can't fret over every penny. Especially when there are better and more important ways to spend my time. Sometimes time is as valuable a commodity as money.

And speaking of time, I'm gonna have to get into the swing of a new schedule soon when classes start next week. It sometimes seems scary when you've gotten so used to not having classes or homework or papers or anything all summer and you think 'how did I do it before?' But somehow you manage, right? And you still find time to fit in outside things like family and social life. So I might be a little busier. So what? I can do this. Statistics on Tuesdays, health promotion on Thursdays, hopefully GFIT on Mondays and Wednesdays, and very part-time work in between. Yeah, I think I'm ready.

Almost fall

I finished the AFAA study guide and practice test and used my guest passes at Shapes. Without any memberships, though, I've been falling into old habits. Not that my old habits are bad – they still consist of stretching daily, going for walks / jogs, and doing stuff in my living room. They just don't consist of actual aerobic or strength training classes or structured time periods to “work out.” I think it's enough to stay healthy...I just need to make sure that I can pick things up quickly if the demands of work in my industry require it. Which they might.

On a sort of related note, I was thinking about how circumstances in life / mental state can determine whether or not you exercise. Of course we know that exercising can also determine how you feel in life, so it's sort of a chicken or egg thing to me. Do you jump up and down because you're happy or are you happy because you jump up and down? It can go both ways. But I'm still fascinated by how emotions can affect what our bodies do. The reverse is sort of interesting, but it's a saturated field of study (that I happen to be in). I wonder if I'll ever get to explore more.

What else? I got a couple of job offers. One was for the campus bookstore and one was for tutor-a-bull which is a program in the education dept. where we go tutor kids in middle schools and high schools around the area. The tutoring would only be 1 day a week for 4 hours but would last the whole semester. The bookstore would be 15-ish hours a week but wouldn't be guaranteed to last the semester. Temporary employees are just needed for the fall rush (through Sept 13) and then it's uncertain after that. So I could do both. I signed up for a training session Wed. of this week, in fact. But I also applied to a grad assistantship in the financial aid office which I haven't heard from yet. That would pay way more and be pretty cool, but I don't know what will happen. The timing of knowing these things is a little frustrating, but what can you do?

Other things I have to do that are coming up: check to see if new tuition rates are posted yet. That will have an effect on how much of the loan money I decide to accept. (But so will the job situation because assistantships pay some of the tuition). I also might have to call unemployment for millionth time because I'm still not getting anything even though I've been submitting my job searches. And it's all because I reported that research study I did as income one week. That was stupid. I wouldn't have done that if I'd known it would screw everything up. Ugh. But despite money issues, I'm still managing to make purchases where needed (dentist, oil change, car registration, parking decal for new school year) and where wanted (plane ticket to see boyfriend once more before school starts, maybe an e-reader / tablet which I've been wanting for a while and which I might shop for this weekend when they're tax-free and possibly on sale for the back-to-school season). Oh, and then I'll need to get textbooks for my classes, but I've been getting those with award money that's been attached to my financial aid, so that shouldn't be too big a deal (plus if I stay an employee of the bookstore I get an employee discount).

Sometimes it seems unfathomable that I'd be affording everything with as little income as I've had lately, but for one thing, I shouldn't question it. And for another, I still need to be careful because luck is not everlasting. I'm gonna have loans to pay after this year, I won't have the safety net of school anymore, and I'll need to succeed in acquiring what I'm working toward – a 'real job' that will engage me on a daily basis and that will pay decently. It's such a simple concept but one that's taken a long time to carve a path for. Because when you're young, you sometimes make a wrong guess about what it is you should do / pursue. And then you have to start over. But there are worse things than having to start over. And it's never too late to do it. And now I sound like a hallmark card, so maybe that means I should end the post here, lol.

Summer update

At a quick glance, my time right now is divided between job search stuff, exercise / self-study for fitness stuff, and pleasure reading. Nothing really new with the job search stuff (except dealing with unemployment compensation). Actually, I did participate in a paid research study for the psychology dept at school which was interesting.

I used up my month of membership at campus rec (the school gym – which you have to pay for if you're not enrolled for classes during the summer). But I was able to take most of the group exercise classes I wanted. I took yoga, pilates, cycling, cardio, step, kick & step, zumba, hip hop, and one called total domination which was a mixture of cardio and weights. Now I have a few free guest passes to use at Shapes, the gym where one of my other classmates works. I emailed her (and another one who was telling me about the GFIT program in the fall) asking what else I could do to prepare because I'll have to audition for the program and I wasn't sure if simply taking classes would be enough. The classmate from Shapes told me what classes she taught and said I could come to them which was pretty cool of her. I went to one yesterday which was aqua core – yoga / pilates / tai chi in the pool. Even though aquatics is a separate certification (as is kickboxing, cycling, yoga, and some others), I thought it'd be cool to see what a water class was like. I used to love swimming as a kid. Then as I got older it went by the wayside and I got really sensitive to water temperature – as in I freeze if it's not super warm. But the pool was fine and I had no trouble getting in, so that was cool.

And self-study. I went through the health promotion and risk management stuff, but now I'm on to the study materials that go along with preparing for the group fitness instruction certification. I don't know why I just now became aware of them and the fact that I could read about how to teach classes. Maybe I thought learning how to teach was something I'd just get with the GFIT program? But I knew there had to be some other way of learning for people who didn't do that program or who weren't in a university degree program for exercise science! Duh. Maybe it was partly my fear about what would happen if I didn't get in the program that made me look more closely at the AFAA site to see what they had. I knew from a quick glance that they had 1-day workshops for various things, but they had this study package for the certification I'm going for which is perfect. It'll help me prepare for GFIT (in a way that simply taking classes wouldn't have) and if for some reason I didn't get in, I'd still be able to take one of the other workshops and get certified anyway. Win.

As for other goings-on that don't fall into the above categories, I got my hair cut (just a little, nothing major), had my physical, bought some new exercise pants and sneakers (I could've kept wearing my old ones except they were at least six years old and I figured I ought to look professional), and went to a general meeting on campus about scholarships. It didn't do too much good considering that most deadlines for getting money for this coming year already passed. But I did find one on their website that I could do – an Atlas Shrugged essay contest :) I just wrote it this week and might submit it next week. I also confirmed that I did, in fact, miss the deadline for applying to grad assistantships for my dept too. How crazy is that? No one told me about it, there was no announcement or anything. I thought I could apply in the summer because my advisor last year said to apply in the summer. Nope. But I'm trying not to go crazy about it because I still have my loans and I'm still in the program and that's what matters. I've got the fall, spring, and internship next summer and that's it! (Oh, and comps - as in comprehensive exams - in the spring. *gulp*)

And though I don't normally talk about personal life, I had a great weekend get-away last weekend with my best friends from FSU for one's bachelorette party. Now in another week, my boyfriend will visit for a week (during which we'll have another short get-away for the 4^th of July at a friend's party in Havana) and then two weeks after that my dad will visit for a week. So even without officially being in school or working, I still have a lot to keep me busy this summer!

Summer

Second semester done! It's been challenging, especially coming from another field, but you always have to start somewhere and gradually work your way into the thick of things, to the point where you can actually call yourself whatever it is you're trying to be without feeling like a poser. I still have a lot to do, but I'm making progress. Took my CPR class yesterday and my first group exercise class (taught by one of my classmates who just graduated). I'm gonna try and take all the different exercise classes so I at least know what they consist of, and then hopefully get certified in the fall. Also, I'm checking out the books that were used for the undergrad classes I didn't take so I can read the stuff on my own and catch up that way (worksite health promotion, risk management). And, of course, I'm catching up on my pleasure reading! I'm so happy it's summer and I have a break. I guess it'll be my last summer off before I officially jump back into the real world (of working full time) (I hope). That's why I'm not fretting too much over whether I'm working right now (which I'm not). But I'm learning and moving forward!

And though it's not a new topic, I feel like briefly revisiting the idea of how people define themselves – isn't it usually by what they're passionate about in life? How many people are passionate about what they do for a living? If you're one of them, it makes sense that you'd associate your identity with your job, I think. If you have a job that you don't care about but are pursuing something else on the side, you'd identify yourself by whatever that other pursuit is. Does it matter whether you're earning a living at what you love? Well, I think for most people, life is better when income and passion about the work merge together, but it's more important that you at least have the two things (separate or not). And defining yourself by your passion is the key thing. (I guess an argument can be made for not having your passion be your source of income because it adds pressure and takes the fun away, which I can understand. But I also think it's important to not hate your job or it'll wear you down. You should definitely do something you at least like). 

I'm happy to be studying to get a job in something that interests me greatly (and that I can say I'm passionate about). So I will hopefully be one of those people who defines herself by her job, at least somewhat. Yet I also define myself by my love of books and reading and language and stories (which can actually be told through many forms), even though that love probably won't overlap very much with what I do (or with what I'm studying now). But that's okay. I guess it just sometimes feels like a double life, hehe (or maybe not, because lots of people like to read or do other things in their spare time. Nobody is all about their job 100% of the time). And being a reader, it makes me sometimes step back and observe myself as if I'm still trying to make a story out of my life. Why do I do that? Am I that important of a person that my life story needs to be told? Haha, no. But I think it might have something to do with the fact that writers are always observing life from the outside, always looking for stories or details from life that could go into a story or inspire a story. But I don't identify myself as a writer because I don't have ideas floating through my head all the time the way writers do. I always had to struggle for ideas. And that's not very fun. So I simply identify myself as a reader instead. Maybe a thinker, hehe.

But going back to the double life thing, I know that a love of stories was never enough. Not just because I didn't have ideas for stories or because it's hard to make a living at. But because there was something else I was passionate about. And that was physical movement. And how it's incorporated into life, especially if you're not an athlete. It frustrated me over many years of working that many jobs in modern society are so restrictive in that regard. Cubicles. Ugh. I couldn't do it. And it was affecting my health because I ate less and less to compensate for less physical exertion, so I became thin but unfit. (And I'm still trying to remedy that now a little bit). So health was always an interest for me underneath everything, even as I was pursuing other things. It just happened to come to the forefront, finally. And not a minute too soon because I needed something else to do with my life anyway. So I'm glad I'm pursuing it. And if you think of it another way, being healthy can allow you to pursue your other passions more easily. (And in my case, having a health-related job that makes me feel good about myself instead of a job I hate will allow me to enjoy my reading and stuff more because I won't be despairing about wasting my life and my potential the way I was before).

Hmm, so when am I going to start writing about fitness and the stuff I'm learning? I don't know, lol! I guess I don't have anything to say about it yet, but we'll see. So much for me attempting to have a non-personal blog, huh? I know some professional bloggers who do sort of intertwine their personal life with professional, which I always liked and hoped to emulate. But I don't know what you'd call my blog. I'm purposely leaving out the personal, personal stuff, but it's still not really professional either. Oh well. It's just a blog.

Update

It seems like the only thing I can come up with as far as writing right now is a to-do list of sorts. But oh well, whatever. The end of the semester is approaching, and with it, the increasing workload. Trying to stay calm. My phone survey job did end, as I predicted, so that will lead me into new job searching (but I'll get to that later). Trying to get clearer on what I need to accomplish (or rather, how I'm going to accomplish it) to get caught up to my peers work-wise and be marketable. It began last semester with me talking to a few different professors and learning about the professional organizations and certifications in my field. They are numerous, so you kinda have to narrow it down based on what you want to do. The HFS certification from ACSM will be at the end of school (degree is required to get it). Internship will be the summer after this (which I'll probably start lining up in the fall). In Nov. I'll hopefully be able to get AAFA certified at USF (group fitness instruction). But to get that, I need to either enroll in the 6 week GFIT program through campus rec (which prepares you for the cert) or find some other way to learn how to teach group exercise on my own (I can't take the class for undergrads). Where to do that? I could call around to some places and see, I guess. And take some normal group classes on my own to see what they're like. Maybe ask to shadow some interns at the places I might try to intern later? And lastly, call AAFA directly and ask. So there's definitely some of that I can get started on this summer. As well as the CPR certification which is only a day. Also, I have to create a new resume. As for actually earning money at something on the side right now, I don't know what that'll be yet. Also, I finally friended some classmates on facebook so I feel a little more connected. Lots to do, but hopefully do-able! Just gotta stay organized :)

Second semester classes so far

This post is the last one from my old blog - I decided to copy and paste it here so I can pick up where I left off.

Not much to talk about except how classes are going so far. The exercise testing & prescription is helping me feel more up to speed with my grad classes. Or at least confirming what I'm learning and filling in holes and whatnot. I actually have it 4 days a week – lecture on Tues. and Thurs. and lab on Mon. and Wed. So far in lab we've measured each other's heart rate and blood pressure, we've gone over risk stratification, and now we're doing circumferences and skinfolds. After that we'll probably get into the cardiovascular endurance tests and muscular strength. I'm pretty eager to test my fitness! There are times when I feel I have enough energy to exert myself a lot for a long period (or, simply, to 'exercise,' lol). And although I exert myself a little sometimes, I don't often go to my full capacity. But by getting into the fitness field, I'll maybe get the opportunity to do that.

Body composition assessment and management is one of my other classes. It's taught by my epidemiology professor, so it's challenging (as was her other class). But hopefully I'll manage. Sometimes when you simply pretend to be smart, others believe you are (whether it's true or not, lol). And sometimes that's how you succeed. And by showing up, participating, etc. And talking about obesity is always fun (its prevalence in society, how to fix it, etc.). And anything that has to do with the body is mostly interesting to me. (I say 'mostly' because I'm still not a big physiology person, but hey). And also I think it's cool that we'll be critiquing a popular diet book of our choice for the class.

Psychology of exercise is my other class. I love psychology so it's pretty interesting to me. We have a different topic every week and we read studies on that topic. So far we've covered stress, anxiety, depression, and now we're on emotion/mood/affect. Coming up will be stuff like body image, self-esteem, motivation, sleep, addiction, and some others. We have to give powerpoint presentations for the class, so I had to learn it quick. But I did, so that was cool.

After taking a break from my phone survey job for most of Nov. and all of Dec., I started again the first week of school (doing just Mon., Wed., and Fri. afternoons). But I'm not sure how long it's going to last because the quota is getting harder to meet all the time. Oh well, we'll see what happens I guess.

Better get back to studying. I just felt like I was gonna go crazy if I didn't write something. For a while I didn't have anything, so I kinda resisted. But just this much was something.

Intro

I had a blog before this, but I decided to start over fresh just to see what happens. I named it 'Not by the book' because my life has zig zagged in so many directions that you might say I've not 'gone by the book' in terms of following one certain path. And I've not followed a traditional timeline for certain milestones (like marriage, kids, career, etc.) (But traditional timelines are becoming less and less common, aren't they?) I'm 31 right now and in my second semester of grad school at USF. I'm going for a master's in exercise science because I want to work as a health fitness specialist in a corporate wellness setting. I got my bachelor's in theatre at FSU almost a decade ago when acting was my intended pursuit. The time between then and now is quite a story.

Some highlights were that I moved to L.A but quickly gave up acting. While I was there, though, I worked as a movie extra, a talent agency intern, and office temp. I dabbled in fiction writing on the side because I really wanted to be a writer. But I felt I didn't have a lot of material / life experience to draw from. I had some which I used in short stories, but it's almost as if I was trying to live the most adventurous life I could just to have material. (And because I was in my twenties and didn't want a typical career and wanted to be an artist... you know, that kind of thing).Well, I did end up getting some material which I turned into a memoir. I won't go into the details here because it's unpublished and too personal, but suffice to say it was perhaps a coming-of-age type of thing. (If you can call the years I was 24 and 25 'coming of age'. Whether they were or not, they were definitely life-changing).

From age 26 to 30 I was back in Florida where I grew up. Just so it's not misleading, I didn't write the memoir while I was still in L.A. It was after I got home. It was during my quarter-life crisis (yeah, I kinda had one of those) when I was REALLY unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. After all, simply writing a memoir did not make me a writer. And I didn't have anything else to write. And what marketable skills did I have? Customer service type jobs seemed to be the most fitting thing for me at that point, but I didn't want that to be my life. I considered trying to get into publishing, but that was a difficult task. I did have one short-lived job in marketing, but that wasn't my cup of tea. Finally, I had the idea of getting into fitness. It was perfect because health and eating were already things I was passionate about. I hated being restrained by desks and/or cubicles and wanted a job where moving around was part of it. Exercise and getting paid for it? Awesome! (Also, I used to figure-skate as a kid before I got into drama in high school, so that's always been something that's defined me in a way). So I researched college degree programs for that and found exercise science. I took some online prerequisites that I needed and got accepted! I still felt a little behind other students who had come directly from an undergrad program in the same field, and almost wanted to give up when I found there were some crucial classes I wanted that weren't offered at the graduate level. But I talked to some advisors, made a plan, and kept going. So that's where I am now!