Contributing to the world

For me, there's no limit to the number of times I can write about / ponder what I will contribute to the world. I think I have to continually think about it because the world does not easily remind me if I forget that I should be aiming to contribute something. In recent times, my focus has been on preparing for a new career and 'finding my place' and being happy and settled. Creation / contribution can then come from that, right? Or it can facilitate you finding your place and being happy. Here's a question. Do you have to be all settled before you can contribute? Not necessarily. But contribution is not a prerequisite for being happy. 

So yeah, I decided to try breaking into a new field where I could earn a living doing something I liked. (Instead of going after dead-end day jobs which I thought was necessary for people who wanted to be actors / writers / artists. You had to leave the focus for your art and not get bogged down with what you did for a living, right?) 

Side note: during the time when I was a frustrated artist and didn't know what else I wanted to do in life, I got very depressed and insecure. But I eventually realized that since a lot of people struggle with what they want to do, it doesn't mean you're any less of a person or that you have any reason to be less confident.

So is getting into a new field to earn a living doing something I like enough to fulfill me? Well, it's still way early to answer that question. Nevertheless, in moments when I'm not occupied, I come back to that question and try to figure out what I can do if it isn't enough. Or in other words, what could I contribute? In grad school, it's common for people to contribute to their field through research. And having aspired to write at an earlier stage in my life, it's pretty natural that I would enjoy the idea of researching, right? Ever since I started last fall, I've tried to put together ideas of what interests me. Unfortunately, they seem to be outside the realm of research. They don't constitute hard science. And I don't enjoy numbers and all the formal things that go along with research. I wished I could've brought about more discourse in the discussion forums that we had in my psychology of exercise class, because I feel I articulated what I was thinking pretty well. But no one responded, not even my professor. So I just let it go.

To re-articulate here, I mentioned in a previous post that I was interested in how emotions could affect what your body does / how you feel physically. For instance, you're more energized when you're happy or busy or when your mind is engaged, right? So wouldn't it make sense that you should aim to be happy, busy, mentally engaged? Maybe that's intuitive / instinctual. Nobody actually wants to be bored or depressed. How do we stay mentally engaged? That would vary from person to person I suppose. But exercise scientists never talk about that. There is some study on motivation, for sure, but it all centers on people exercising because they want to be healthy or it's fun, or whether people are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to exercise. They don't focus much on the variances from day to day in what you may be doing and how THAT affects whether you will or won't exercise. THAT's what I'm interested in, but it's too fuzzy of an area. 

 

If I don't contribute something in that area, though, is there another area where I could? It's funny, I was in Barnes and Noble today and I was looking for a book I randomly saw once but I couldn't remember the title or author. I thought it was a memoir so I browsed that section first. But then I remembered that sometimes memoirs can be put into the self-help section or humor or psychology or relationships / dating categories. I couldn't find it any of those, but I noticed a lot of books in the self-help section that dealt with figuring out your twenties, finding your place in the world, your identity, etc. I love that stuff, I've gotta say. Mostly because a lot of it is stuff I wish I'd read when I was actually in my twenties and going through those issues. But I think I've got a handle on some of the stuff those people write about. But I'm getting side-tracked here. I don't really anticipate breaking into the self-help stuff. But memoirs and fiction I've tried. And I always keep the idea of trying again in the back of my mind. (And I know now that you can write those things coming from any field. You don't have to be a waitress the way actresses do). After all, more life experience can often fuel those art forms.

 

Ideas that have come from my efforts in that area include what I mentioned above in the side note – you don't have to have everything figured out right away. (And that, coincidentally, crosses over into the psych stuff, but no matter). Also, if you don't have enough self-respect or security or confidence, you'll accept less than what you deserve in a significant other. (I know, a lot of what I'm saying here sounds self-help-ish, but they are revelations I got from recently re-reading my memoir and I thought they'd be interesting to mention). Another tidbit – you can't look at love as the answer to life if you don't already feel fulfilled on your own. I actually had some knowledge of that in my story because a lot of my despair was due to the fact that I felt unfulfilled without love and I couldn't successfully fulfill myself without it even though I was trying. (Again, the the too-high demands I had for myself were part of the reason I was insecure). And I knew that even when I had a guy depending on me, it didn't have the same meaning that love from someone good would've had if I'd felt fulfilled on my own already.

As a corollary to not seeing love as the answer to everything, you have to not see a lover as better than yourself. You should see him or her as your equal.

 

I was naïve when I was in my early twenties. I wore my heart on my sleeve too much. I tried to get away from my sheltered past so much that I went too far in the other direction. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn't have. I pursued something that was inappropriate because of the lack of reciprocation which I now know not to do because you can't change people. And you shouldn't have to change them.

 

My story was not unique. It was interesting in the sense that I tried to see the humanity in someone who might've had some but who shouldn't have been worth associating with. The few normal, human aspects that I found couldn't make up for who he was overall. 

The one thing I was aware of during that time was the fact that my adventure could be turned into a story, and that I might grow from it (and growing would help me feel more fulfilled). Of course it took time and distance from the events (and the telling of the events) to really get the lessons, but hey. If I hadn't been aware of that little bit, I might not have come out of it the way I did.

If I had a concluding point here, I don't remember what it was. I know I was talking about ideas to contribute to the world. And I know the things I just talked about from my past writing are things I don't know what to do with other than say them here. I guess I just wanted to get all my 'contribution ideas' together in one place. And to organize my thoughts. And remind myself that it's always possible to think of more along the way. Maybe not just possible, but likely? I hope!