More goings-on

Well, I've done the warm-up, combos, and cool-down, and now I have one class left to teach – which will be the whole thing (with strength / floor work being the last new component). I still go back and forth between feeling like I have a handle on it and not feeling like I do. But I think part of that is being busy with other classes at the same time and having to juggle things. I feel like if I spent more time on group exercise stuff, I'd eventually get to a better, more confident place. But it does take time. That's why I'm not sure if I'll be ready to apply for an actual teaching position next semester or not. Regardless, at least I'll have my certification and the knowledge that I'll need for my internship.

The tutoring (since I haven't talked about that in a while) is going pretty well. Although no one ever told me exactly how to tutor or gave me much direction, I found I was okay with that. I've kinda been able to wing it, talk with the kids, explain some things in a way I hope was helpful to them. So I kinda surprised myself in picking this up. And in liking it. I never wanted to be a teacher because it seemed scary to me. And maybe there were some other reasons too, I just can't think of them right now. But being in the classroom and watching the teachers has made me think perhaps I could've done it. Maybe in another life. There are many things I think I could've done, but there isn't always time to do all of them. Sometimes you have to choose. But that's okay. I'm still enthusiastic about worksite wellness and health promotion (and maybe wellness coaching?)

Wellness is such a priority for me because it affects so many things. I feel like if you're not well, then everything else goes to crap. But maybe that attitude is somewhat rooted in my ocd nature and compulsion to control things and have everything be perfect all the time. If I can't control something, it drives me crazy. (Maybe that's not the healthiest, but at least I recognize it). Anyway, wellness is something I've always felt like I could control for the most part. A lot of times you CAN control it - by choosing what you eat, how much you move around, etc. (And you can choose what you do for a living, choose your friends, choose your outlook...there's so much!) So choose healthy, be healthy / happy. And talk about the things that escape your control despite your choices.

One thing that sometimes escapes my control is reproductive hormones that change my body constitution / mess up normal body functions even though I personally don't change my normal habits. It's frustrating, it takes time out of my schedule...and exercise sometimes makes it worse, ironically. So I've had to force myself this week even though it was killing me. Another thing was having the internet go out when I was trying to do statistics stuff. I'm no stranger to it going out, because it does a lot. But I had to redo work I'd already done because the program I was doing it in froze and I couldn't save it. And on top of that, the printer went beserk for two days because of something I tried to print from the stats program. I'm guessing that was due to the internet too. It would randomly spit out one page here and there (which took a thousand hours by itself), it would freeze...so after turning it off and giving up, on day two it started trying to do that job again. And it kept freezing again. I don't know how it finally came out, but it did, thankfully. It was just such a nightmare. And another...I'm getting all bug bitten which makes me wonder if there's something in my house. Usually I'll hear a mosquito if there is one, but I haven't found it. Last week I had to deal with a tree outside my window being cut down which was distracting. Another night I lost sleep over a palmetto bug (or flying cockroach, I'm never sure which) being in my room. Those things scare the living shit out of me for some reason, so I always end up barricading myself in another room to sleep when that happens. No joke. In the grand scheme of things, these are probably not catastrophic events. But as I said earlier, if it's something I can't control and if it gets in the way of things being perfect, I get down and frustrated. But what are you gonna do? Maybe say “this, too, shall pass.” And think about the things you have to be happy about. Because they are what's most important and what get you through.

More GFIT (the warm-up)

Even though it hasn't even been a week yet, I'm writing about group fitness again because it's my biggest learning curve right now. After my Friday meeting I started freaking out about being able to know / hear the start and end of all the 32 count phrases in the music. And being able to start my moves at the right place. But when practicing my warm-up today at home, I didn't let that be my biggest concern. I listened for the downbeat, of course, and sometimes I think I anticipated when a new phrase started. But I think that's the only way to do it. You have to be able to pick it up wherever. And I'm sure the 32-count will be more important when I design combinations, but luckily the warm-up can be a little looser as far as the number of side touches or marches I do.

That was another thing. Figuring out how many of those moves equaled a certain count (which was determined by how many beats ONE of them took and then multiplying). But it's hard when you're also counting the beat of the music in your head at the same time and you have to keep track of how many moves you've done. You know, every step of your foot is a beat, and if a move is more than one step, then you haven't completed a move. So to count the moves? But sometimes feeling with your body is easier than intellectualizing it. Right now I have to focus on transitioning between things, remembering everything I'm gonna do (they said we could put notes on the mirror if we want, but I might be able to remember the warm-up, we'll see), and talking through the stuff. Next week will be actual combinations and then after that, figuring out different exercises to do for different muscles and stuff. We've started familiarizing ourselves with that, but I'm sure I'll be writing down a lot more (along with steps) to make a notebook of things to pick out.

As for music, I downloaded the same mix my step instructor is using. I checked out some CDs from the campus rec music library too, but haven't listened to them yet. But I guess I have some choices now. And I know where to go to download stuff. But we can use the same CD for multiple classes and start it in different places (but if it's only an hour and the class is an hour, I guess there is some limitation). And some mixes are only one continuous track so I won't be able to jump around with those. And I can't plug my phone into the sound system because it's too old a version to be compatible. So I guess I'll have to find mixes that are actually separate tracks after this. Man, I feel like the pace of this group fitness instruction class is soo fast. But at least I haven't fallen behind yet. And hey, if something takes time to get, it's okay. As long as I'm applying myself and gaining knowledge. That, I am definitely doing.

More goings-on

GFIT

Fourth class of 12 tonight. I'm kinda back and forth between feeling confident and scared. Learning to count beats, when and how to cue...the importance of starting on a specific foot because it does matter. Trying not to look too far ahead because what IS ahead still seems over my head. But maybe once the bridge is reached, it will be crossable? I had my first shadow / team teaching day yesterday. It's a 'step n more' class. I did the class intro which wasn't too hard, and then took the class as a participant. Didn't quite get everything, but did my best to soak up everything I could. Next week I have to instruct the class in the warm-up, so this Friday she and I will get together to practice it. I guess there is a lot of time that goes into this class even outside the twice weekly regular meeting. But that's cool. I have to figure out the music situation too. And some other things that I think are bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness that I have questions about, but like I said, I can't think about too much at once. It's a lot. But I feel like writing about it a little might help me stay organized. Maybe. Hmm, I'm gonna have to choreograph stuff? Holy crap. But jumping ahead, Marianne, jumping ahead.

Tutoring

First day was Monday. It was mostly observation as I sat at a table in the corner of the classroom. There were four class periods that took place during my time there, and different things happened in each. For some, the kids worked on assignments on their own (vocab), in one the teacher did a quiz game on states and capitals...and each period was a different grade level. But during each one, the teacher introduced one or two kids to me and told them to tell me what they were having trouble with. I also introduced myself and said I'd be there every week to help them. So they're supposed to bring materials from whatever classes they need help with and hopefully I'll be able to help them during that class period. I hope I can do whatever it is they bring!

Because I changed places of employment (from the bookstore to tutoring), unemployment forced me into claiming another 'job termination' so I'll probably go back into permanent limbo with them again. Oh well. I've got a lot of other things to focus my energy on – like homework for my other classes and family stuff (they're here this week so I'm really multi-tasking at the moment). I might mention more family stuff in another post, but this is good for now, I think.

Goings-on

Today is my first day of GFIT – I got in! So relieved. There were actually only five other people besides me who auditioned, so that was cool. And they all seemed really nice, so I'm excited to take this class with them. It still scares me a little to think about actually teaching others, but that's when you know you're really living, right? When you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, try new things.

Speaking of new things, I'll be tutoring a week from today. I've never done it before and don't really know what to expect, but the idea of making a difference for kids in school appeals to me. I have an orientation for it tomorrow (a more detailed one than the one I had last week which was more of an overview and doing paperwork for HR).

Other things I did last week – went to the special computer lab in the education building to do my stats assignment because I don't have the software program, SAS, that they have in the lab. (I tried accessing it through the university apps on my computer at home, but it didn't work). A nice benefit was getting to ask the GA who worked there a question when I had one. Of course he had statistics and of course he answered it : )

I guess some of my time has also been devoted to keeping up my job search records for unemployment (because they still want proof of that even if you are working part-time and still receiving compensation). Not sure how long I'll keep getting it, but we'll see.

And I did other administrative tasks like emailing professors. Well, specifically the one who oversees internships for my program. When I asked about how / when to apply, she said grad students can only do them in the fall now. I'm not really too upset about that fact itself, but just the way she responded so matter-of-factly after she'd known about my intent for so long now. I'm NOT going to postpone my internship til next fall because I wouldn't get financial aid and I've prepared to do it this summer. So if I can't do it for academic credit, I'll do it on my own and just use my last 3 credit hours for the online sports psychology class. I should be able to handle one online class at the same time, right? My professor didn't even respond when I responded back. So helpful. But it's okay. Things seem to be going well overall, and that's what's more important.

First week done, job thoughts, health thoughts

I was excited to work at the college bookstore at first, but what I wrote about it in a previous post wouldn't hold true for the actual rush week that was this week (which is maybe comparable to Black Friday for regular retail workers). I got scheduled for 34 hours, pretty much all the time I wasn't in class. It wasn't bad when there were lots of books to put away or when the store was so crowded you could count on having to help someone find their books every time you turned around. Because as I've said before, having your mind engaged in something is better for your health than having to wander. But being on my feet for so many hours straight was something I wasn't used to. (I seriously don't remember how I worked in a warehouse for two and a half years a few years ago). And I was so paranoid about not taking too long of a break that I don't feel I gave myself enough time to eat or rest or whatever. Because I was always hungry, for one thing. And physically, it was just uncomfortable, and this is why. When you're on your feet, you're not sedentary the way you are in a cubicle, but it also isn't really exercise. My comfort zone is having sedentary periods mixed with periods of real exercise where I can digest properly and regulate my breathing and center of gravity better and all that. I don't know why almost every job I've had I've had to compromise the way I'd normally behave if I wasn't on the clock and being paid to do something. (And by 'behave' I mean physical health choices). And that's why I'm studying health!

Thankfully, on most days after this I'll get to just be home until mid-afternoon when I'll drive up to campus for class and nothing else. I am really good with that! One thing I never liked about college (and this comes from my FSU days as well) was trudging around campus carrying a ton of shit. It's way different than running (which I enjoy) without stuff weighing you down. It goes back to the gravity and breathing thing. You don't feel light the way you do when you're either resting or exercising for real. Instead, it's this in-between state of being which is neither rest nor exercise. And I don't know if it's good or bad, but I know it doesn't make me feel good. And I'm only writing about this because I'm viewing it as scientific inquiry. I've been so much more obsessed with my body and physical feelings over time that I've wondered if it's been too much. You know how when you're so busy with other things that you don't think about physical sensations as much and things just take care of themselves? I want that to be the norm for me. But sometimes I just can't help crossing over into obsession land when, for reasons beyond my control, I'm NOT busy enough or I have a job whose details I didn't anticipate. It's crazy.

I still feel like I'm trying to recover from the stuff I did this week. I know I messed something up in my body a few days ago when I spent too much time in one position while stretching, and as a result, felt like something shifted in my mid-section. Like above my stomach but below my chest. I think it happened once before and it eventually went away on its own, but it's uncomfortable. And frustrating when you feel like no matter what you do, it's not directly fixable except by waiting it out. And why did I spend longer in one particular position than normal? Because I didn't feel like myself after working and trudging around campus all day one day and not getting to stretch in between and...yeah. I guess I've said enough. I'm just glad the week is over and textbook employees won't be needed much more now. I have two more shifts, five hours tomorrow and four on Tues. Orientation for my tutoring job is also Tues., as well as class that night. So I have class and assignments, maybe GFIT auditions next Sat., getting birthday presents for Sept. birthdays, and becoming a long-distance auntie again in a few days. That's what's coming up!

Contributing to the world

For me, there's no limit to the number of times I can write about / ponder what I will contribute to the world. I think I have to continually think about it because the world does not easily remind me if I forget that I should be aiming to contribute something. In recent times, my focus has been on preparing for a new career and 'finding my place' and being happy and settled. Creation / contribution can then come from that, right? Or it can facilitate you finding your place and being happy. Here's a question. Do you have to be all settled before you can contribute? Not necessarily. But contribution is not a prerequisite for being happy. 

So yeah, I decided to try breaking into a new field where I could earn a living doing something I liked. (Instead of going after dead-end day jobs which I thought was necessary for people who wanted to be actors / writers / artists. You had to leave the focus for your art and not get bogged down with what you did for a living, right?) 

Side note: during the time when I was a frustrated artist and didn't know what else I wanted to do in life, I got very depressed and insecure. But I eventually realized that since a lot of people struggle with what they want to do, it doesn't mean you're any less of a person or that you have any reason to be less confident.

So is getting into a new field to earn a living doing something I like enough to fulfill me? Well, it's still way early to answer that question. Nevertheless, in moments when I'm not occupied, I come back to that question and try to figure out what I can do if it isn't enough. Or in other words, what could I contribute? In grad school, it's common for people to contribute to their field through research. And having aspired to write at an earlier stage in my life, it's pretty natural that I would enjoy the idea of researching, right? Ever since I started last fall, I've tried to put together ideas of what interests me. Unfortunately, they seem to be outside the realm of research. They don't constitute hard science. And I don't enjoy numbers and all the formal things that go along with research. I wished I could've brought about more discourse in the discussion forums that we had in my psychology of exercise class, because I feel I articulated what I was thinking pretty well. But no one responded, not even my professor. So I just let it go.

To re-articulate here, I mentioned in a previous post that I was interested in how emotions could affect what your body does / how you feel physically. For instance, you're more energized when you're happy or busy or when your mind is engaged, right? So wouldn't it make sense that you should aim to be happy, busy, mentally engaged? Maybe that's intuitive / instinctual. Nobody actually wants to be bored or depressed. How do we stay mentally engaged? That would vary from person to person I suppose. But exercise scientists never talk about that. There is some study on motivation, for sure, but it all centers on people exercising because they want to be healthy or it's fun, or whether people are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to exercise. They don't focus much on the variances from day to day in what you may be doing and how THAT affects whether you will or won't exercise. THAT's what I'm interested in, but it's too fuzzy of an area. 

 

If I don't contribute something in that area, though, is there another area where I could? It's funny, I was in Barnes and Noble today and I was looking for a book I randomly saw once but I couldn't remember the title or author. I thought it was a memoir so I browsed that section first. But then I remembered that sometimes memoirs can be put into the self-help section or humor or psychology or relationships / dating categories. I couldn't find it any of those, but I noticed a lot of books in the self-help section that dealt with figuring out your twenties, finding your place in the world, your identity, etc. I love that stuff, I've gotta say. Mostly because a lot of it is stuff I wish I'd read when I was actually in my twenties and going through those issues. But I think I've got a handle on some of the stuff those people write about. But I'm getting side-tracked here. I don't really anticipate breaking into the self-help stuff. But memoirs and fiction I've tried. And I always keep the idea of trying again in the back of my mind. (And I know now that you can write those things coming from any field. You don't have to be a waitress the way actresses do). After all, more life experience can often fuel those art forms.

 

Ideas that have come from my efforts in that area include what I mentioned above in the side note – you don't have to have everything figured out right away. (And that, coincidentally, crosses over into the psych stuff, but no matter). Also, if you don't have enough self-respect or security or confidence, you'll accept less than what you deserve in a significant other. (I know, a lot of what I'm saying here sounds self-help-ish, but they are revelations I got from recently re-reading my memoir and I thought they'd be interesting to mention). Another tidbit – you can't look at love as the answer to life if you don't already feel fulfilled on your own. I actually had some knowledge of that in my story because a lot of my despair was due to the fact that I felt unfulfilled without love and I couldn't successfully fulfill myself without it even though I was trying. (Again, the the too-high demands I had for myself were part of the reason I was insecure). And I knew that even when I had a guy depending on me, it didn't have the same meaning that love from someone good would've had if I'd felt fulfilled on my own already.

As a corollary to not seeing love as the answer to everything, you have to not see a lover as better than yourself. You should see him or her as your equal.

 

I was naïve when I was in my early twenties. I wore my heart on my sleeve too much. I tried to get away from my sheltered past so much that I went too far in the other direction. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn't have. I pursued something that was inappropriate because of the lack of reciprocation which I now know not to do because you can't change people. And you shouldn't have to change them.

 

My story was not unique. It was interesting in the sense that I tried to see the humanity in someone who might've had some but who shouldn't have been worth associating with. The few normal, human aspects that I found couldn't make up for who he was overall. 

The one thing I was aware of during that time was the fact that my adventure could be turned into a story, and that I might grow from it (and growing would help me feel more fulfilled). Of course it took time and distance from the events (and the telling of the events) to really get the lessons, but hey. If I hadn't been aware of that little bit, I might not have come out of it the way I did.

If I had a concluding point here, I don't remember what it was. I know I was talking about ideas to contribute to the world. And I know the things I just talked about from my past writing are things I don't know what to do with other than say them here. I guess I just wanted to get all my 'contribution ideas' together in one place. And to organize my thoughts. And remind myself that it's always possible to think of more along the way. Maybe not just possible, but likely? I hope!

New gadget, new work

I'm not a tech person, but I have been learning / researching some things since getting my tablet. And acquiring knowledge / consuming information in any form is always good. I think I would've had an even bigger learning curve if I'd gotten a laptop because the Windows 8 operating system is a bit more complicated. Android, on the other hand, is pretty simple like a phone except it has a bigger screen like I wanted.

First, I wanted to be able to access the desktop versions of websites instead of the mobile versions, and that turned out to be pretty easy. I learned that chrome is a better browser to use on a touch screen than firefox. The tabs are laid out better and I can actually click things and select them and get drop-down menus that I can't get in firefox.

That leads me to the second thing – clicking. I got a stylus so I'd have an easier time with icons and buttons that are small and close together. At one point, I thought I was going to need a mouse - which you apparently can use with either bluetooth or a micro usb adapter (because the usb port on the tablet is smaller than regular usb ports). I even looked for a micro usb adapter and found that no stores carried them near me. Luckily, amazon had them, but it turns out I might not need a mouse since I discovered I can do everything I want without one.

The one thing that is a little more difficult without a mouse is copying and pasting. You can copy and paste by pressing down on the text and holding it for a few seconds, which highlights it and brings up the clipboard menu, but I had to fuss with it a lot to get it to work. Another simple thing I learned was how to right-click, which you do the same way – by pressing down and holding until you get the menu options for what you want (like opening something in a new tab).

What else? I explored the office app, Kingsoft Office, a little bit. I sent my resume to myself to test it out. The layout looked different on it than it did on my computer, so I tried to fix it by adjusting the margins. For some reason, I still couldn't get the lines of text to end at the same places, but I guess that's a minor issue. If I have to really concern myself with formal documents, I'll be on my pc anyway. But having some kind of office app on the tablet seems like one of the basic things to have so I can, at the least, open certain things. I can read pdf docs in it too, so I don't even know if I need a separate adobe reader app. Maybe not.

The google play store is where I download apps from. I didn't even know there was a google books app already installed, lol. I knew ipads had ibooks and I knew there were kindle and nook apps for people who didn't have actual kindles or nooks, but google has its own book app too. Cool. So I downloaded one e-book so far, a 2.99 novella that was a companion to On the Island, which I recently read. In doing that, I learned how to make the book readable offline and how to navigate through other options in the app.

And speaking of navigation, I did a lot of navigating through online manuals, including one for the tablet itself, since it didn't come with one. I had to learn what all the icons meant, where the settings were, and how to organize the homescreen and whatnot. I never really used bluetooth before now, but it's pretty nifty for connecting the tablet to other devices wirelessly. It's how I use the separate keyboard I got for it. And my bf was able to send photos to me through it from his phone (without having to email them). So that was cool too.

In other goings-on, I started work at the school bookstore. I'm not getting many hours, and the boss wasn't kidding when he said he'd have around 200 employees. I've never seen so many people working in one small place at once like this before. But I guess it's not a major problem. As far as the work itself goes, I really enjoy it a lot because I'm on my feet the whole time, there's more to do to keep busy than at many of my previous jobs, and I'm dealing with books! For someone who loves books and organizing, it's fun to go through the shelves and have an intricate system like the one we have for textbooks. I wonder if I'd had a chance to work in a bookstore at a younger age, would it have led me to a different career? One in bookselling? I guess it doesn't matter. I've gone through that stuff in my head before. All is good the way it is right now for me.

I got my textbooks after my shifts because I saw they were there and I figured I might as well. With an employee discount, it'd make sense, right? After I did that without thinking to research prices elsewhere beforehand, I found out that our bookstore is so overpriced, I could've done better with amazon than with the bookstore, even WITH the employee discount. Kinda crazy. But I ended up renting my statistics books which I wouldn't have been able to do on amazon without a prime account. So maybe it's not a big deal that I got them where I did when I did. Technically I could order my health promotion book from amazon for cheaper and return the other one to the bookstore, but I don't know. If I knew for SURE I'd get the employee discount at the end of employment like my boss said, I probably wouldn't. But I don't know for sure because of the fact that he didn't schedule me for any shifts this week. I hope he emails me back soon. It's so hectic dealing with 200 people, I don't know how he does it.

Another small d'oh moment I had money-wise recently was seeing styluses for tablets at the dollar store after I already got one from office depot for almost $14. Really? I could've gotten one for a dollar? I suppose sometimes we all overspend on certain things, but I can't fret over every penny. Especially when there are better and more important ways to spend my time. Sometimes time is as valuable a commodity as money.

And speaking of time, I'm gonna have to get into the swing of a new schedule soon when classes start next week. It sometimes seems scary when you've gotten so used to not having classes or homework or papers or anything all summer and you think 'how did I do it before?' But somehow you manage, right? And you still find time to fit in outside things like family and social life. So I might be a little busier. So what? I can do this. Statistics on Tuesdays, health promotion on Thursdays, hopefully GFIT on Mondays and Wednesdays, and very part-time work in between. Yeah, I think I'm ready.