More sorting

It's funny to think about the word 'nonconformist.' When I was growing up, that meant something to me. But now, it's like, “not conforming to what?” It's silly to think about any particular job as being 'conformist' when there are so many other factors to consider.

Okay, now on to my actual post.

Theatre / film, check. Publishing, check. (Well, not really, but I dabbled / explored). Fitness, check. Those are the things I've tried and moved on from. Public health? Was interested in that for a bit, but it's waning a little. Functional / holistic / lifestyle medicine? Interest in that arose from fitness as well, but it's too broad of a field to say “that's my career.” Doctor, therapist, coach, nutritionist, nurse...there are all kinds of roles within it that you kinda have to decide between. Nutrition / dietetics is an interest, but not strong enough for me to really go into it full-on at this point. Same with psychology. Love mental health, but is it enough? When you're young, you vow that you “love” certain things so much that there's no doubt in your mind you'll ever fail. (Case in point – the two degrees I already got which are being overshadowed by other things). And then there comes a time when you learn from your mistakes of jumping into things just because you think you love them. Maybe they're not total mistakes, but the point is you can't keep investing in one huge endeavor after another with hopes that it's gonna be like the big answer to your life and purpose. I've heard this before (and now it's hitting home). You gather lots of things along the way that contribute to life / purpose. Career counseling. That's the final thing I'd like to mention having an interest in. But no, I'm not going to pursue it full-on. I will keep reading the blogs about it, like I do with publishing and health and other things, but that's it. Because so many of these fields overlap. I like to keep a toe in all of them. Who knows if or when something will come of it, like an idea that lets me either contribute to one or several of them or that enables me to improve my own personal health / life in some way. That is something I'm working on still. Tutoring for work, living with a roommate, living on basically the minimum, but enjoying it so far because I have the essentials I need, time for myself (well, the normal amount), good schedule...which may be more important to me than certain other things. (I say that now, but we'll see). How many jobs have the sort of freedom that this current one gives me? That's why I'm passing over more and more things I see that I might've applied to in the past but don't want to now.

Wellness coaching. Is it too soon to officially say I'm done? Am I in the death rattle? Am I ready to help people with weight loss or healthy lifestyle or whatever it is? I have to be a role model if I'm going to do that. But I don't know if I am, exactly. I don't have all the answers. I thought I did at one point. But if I did, would I be as hesitant to leave my comfortable tutoring job as I am? Would I have the struggle with low weight that I still have? It's something that's still hard to define and I still toy with seeing someone else about it. (I'm more interested in it than in any career, actually. I always had the idea of killing two birds with one stone, combining career with my own issues, but in some cases I guess they have to be separate). I feel like I have ideas about the causes / solutions to what I'm dealing with, and if I could confirm them, then I feel like I could help others. But I haven't confirmed them yet. But I need and want to, and it's such a lifelong process, it seems. So right now when I think about the benefits of continuing to tutor for my job vs. taking another job (which I said I was in the death rattle of, but one other thing popped up recently and my reaction was actually 'damn it,' lol) it seems kind of inconsequential. Before, I might've thought, “yay, a job in my field, a chance to grow in life and purpose, etc.” But now, after writing this post, career has become less important to me. Because the growth I'm seeking may not come from that. It might come from other sources instead. So bloody hell.

On what to pursue for work

It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're the best at what you do. That sort of addresses the quandary from my last post. While it's true that I could still “keep up with the industry” (of health and wellness) even if I worked as a tutor for a living, it might be easier to actually contribute to the industry if I was working in it. (And I don't really see myself contributing to the “learning” industry in the same way. It's simply something that keeps me busy and is something I'm pretty good at). I'm obviously going to keep striving to improve my life situation by whatever means I can. Whatever it ends up looking like will be what it ends up looking like.

Food for thought

Before I mentioned helping myself by helping others. But what if I helped myself through other means and now I don’t have as much of a fire in me to do what it was I thought I wanted? I didn’t anticipate figuring things out for myself. I didn’t anticipate actually being happy in a very set routine where I basically read all day for a living. I know a younger version of myself might’ve hated it. I didn’t used to like sitting still. I needed adventure. I needed human interaction. I needed to feel alive. But my brain is alive when I’m reading. And I have the freedom and control to not be a slave to the chair I’m sitting in. I learned how to make things work for myself, health-wise (or so I think). So if I’m happy doing this, do I still need to help others with their health in order to be happy and feel like I’m making a difference? That is the big question. Does it matter if I’m helping people with writing vs. being healthy? I guess in the health field, there’d be the opportunity to keep up with advancements in the industry. But I could do that on my own as a consumer; I wouldn’t have to be a practitioner to still keep up. And I have my other passions that I keep up with – the publishing and film industries. I don’t have to be (and am not) an author or actor to keep up with those. Simply being a consumer can be fun. As long as your day job isn’t terrible and you’re still helping someone (which would be true for me), then how important is it to want more? I think I could maybe be happy with helping people with their writing OR their health. It’s hard to know sometimes until you’ve actually tried and done it.

Work and Health

I'm still at the tutoring job. After re-reading my previous post, it made me laugh a little because I'm doing those things we're not “supposed” to do – like rewriting things for people, etc. It's just easier that way. And no one's said anything to me about it, so I'm just gonna continue in the groove I'm in. I also have a method – no matter what type of paper it is, I always read for grammar first. If I try to do content while grammar stuff is staring me in the face, I can't do it. I fix grammar first and then I go back and do content. Also, I like how when it comes to writing the summary of my review, it often requires some thought to compose what I want to say. And when I come up with just the right wording, it feels really good and satisfying. Because it came from me. And maybe no one else would've come up with that same thing. I love putting words to page, no matter what it is. Oh, and the fact that someone will read what I wrote to them and be able to improve on what they submitted – that feels good too.

It does still get tiring sometimes. And there is the distraction thing – having to block out the sound of people talking. (On my phone I play music that I have the least attachment to because it blocks out the talking but doesn't distract me the way some music would). And sometimes there's pressure to finish a paper in a certain amount of time. There's a timer at the top of the window that keeps track of how long it takes you to finish. They want us to generally not go over 30 minutes per paper. Now, depending on the length and quality of the paper, that may or may not be feasible. I like it when I do get through papers fairly quickly, but there have been times when I've spent up to an hour on one. And I'm not going to short-change someone by only reading the first few pages, as has been suggested on occasion. I'd rather my work be better in quality rather than quantity. And, of course, when there are hundreds of papers waiting in the queue, that can be stressful too.

But another thing that's good is the freedom and flexibility with the job. Freedom because we can pretty much get up and walk around whenever we feel like it and flexibility because the place is open 24/7 so we can pretty much work whenever we want. I might miss that in the future. But I might have a chance to grow if I get something in health coaching. It's funny to think about growth and advancement, isn't it? How much does it matter if you “get promoted”? Having a certain title, or even an increasing salary, isn't always everything. I've always been more concerned with personal growth. Some people who work day jobs without much chance of growth may still grow outside of work. Or they might grow in their job, regardless of whether or not there's an official “promotion.” I think as a health coach, I'd always be learning by helping people and keeping up with research in the field and I'd be as happy as a clam. And who knows if one day, with my accumulation of knowledge, I might be able to contribute something to the field myself. That, to me, is growth. I don't know what other “title” would indicate career advancement for me. There are wellness coordinators who do program planning and help with the health of a bigger population (as opposed to coaching individuals one-on-one). But even that could be more of a lateral move. It just depends on what you like doing.

What do I like doing? Well, in another life I might've gone into the publishing world. Hell, even working in a bookstore would be fun (I worked in a library once, and I did like that). But I chose to study exercise science when I did because I thought being physically active was the missing piece in my life. And I've since discovered maybe it wasn't. Because I think I changed my eating habits and lifestyle to accommodate the non-physical work I was doing enough to not NEED exercise the way I thought I did. This may seem blasphemous. But if you think about it, when people are starving, they conserve energy by not exerting themselves as much, right? Not that I'm a starving person; I'm just using it as an example to make a point that it's about energy balance. People think they need to exercise to stay in shape. To an extent, that's true. Everyone needs SOME physical activity. But do what feels good to you. Listen to your body. Get enough sleep. Tap into your intuition and things will be good.

Is my intuition working for me? Am I healthy? Well, I'm a work in progress like anyone else. And this sort of goes back to the topic of what it is I like doing. I like figuring out how to help myself. And that sort of led to helping others with health. We're all on the same journey, aren't we? Trying to figure out the best lives for ourselves, figuring out how to be our best selves. And if helping others helps me, then I can say I've succeeded.

I can't really remember what I've mentioned regarding my own health, but why not recap a little? Two things that have affected me have been being underweight and having issues with digestion. In attempting to address these things, I've come across possibilities such as SIBO, leaky gut (when the intestinal lining is compromised), impaired motility, low stomach acid, vitamin deficiency, IBS. I've seen my regular doctor, GI doctors, a dietitian, and counselors. Often, it's hard to pinpoint something specific. Sometimes it's beneficial to approach things from the perspective of integrative / functional / holistic medicine, which aims to treat “the whole person” rather than “symptoms.” (I know there's a lot of debate over that versus traditional medicine but I advocate for both). I've tried probiotics (some, not all), enzymes (just a sample because they're really expensive), vitamin supplements, and recently an SSRI. I was really hesitant about that last one because I don't have depression, but this specific one also treats OCD and bulimia. I don't believe I have either of those things exactly...if anything I'd diagnose myself with EDNOS. (Actually, I think it's called something else now but I forget what it is). I've even read some things that suggested this SSRI as a last resort for people with IBS. Popular conception says it's supposed to make you feel things less. I think mostly they mean feel emotions less, but could it also mean feeling physical symptoms less? Could higher serotonin somehow improve digestion? The brain and the gut are, after all, tied extremely closely together. I'm very curious about that. I had gotten a few injections of vitamin B12 before starting on the OTC supplement version I'm taking now, and I recall feeling better with the injections. But they were expensive. I don't know if having them again would be my fix. Or if trying a prescription strength probiotic would be. It's a continuous effort to find your optimal functioning sometimes. But you keep trying, you keep learning.

Little bump in the road, but still going

Things have been going a lot differently than planned. The coaching job I was so excited about in my last post fell through. I had a few more interviews after that, and they didn't come through either. The time came when I had to look for any job in the world that would give me a paycheck, whether it was in the health field or not. I really thought I'd be luckier than that. I did not want to be a person who got a graduate degree that she wouldn't use. (An undergrad degree that I didn't use? Fine. But TWO degrees and neither of them is used? Come on. I know it happens, but seriously, come on). Anyway, I just started a job editing English papers for students. It's something that's sort of up my alley, considering my writing background. And it's something that's totally absorbing (which I haven't had in a while and am glad for). And it's challenging. That's because I'm really not supposed to just “edit.” Or rewrite things. Or correct things. As much as I want to. Being a tutor, I'm supposed to note certain things and explain what the problem is without giving the answer. It doesn't sound hard, but it is. Especially when you can't even address everything that's wrong in a paper. You have to address the “higher order concerns” first. Then if you see something that recurs throughout the paper, you note it the first couple times and then hope that they search the rest of the paper on their own for more cases of the mistake. Yes, writing is something I enjoy, so the job is good in that sense. But when you can't necessarily do things the way you want and you have to follow certain protocol and meet deadlines, that can take some of the enjoyment out. And it does get tedious.

Basically, what I've been turning over in my head is the question of whether I did the right thing in going back to school in an attempt to change careers or whether I could have found something like what I'm doing now and been satisfied with an okay job. I think I did what I had to do. I had to get out and explore something else that was interesting to me because I felt stuck. And I'm still going to try to get something I went to grad school for. (My job now is part-time so I can keep looking).

If I'm lucky and do get a health coaching job, will I face a similar issue with the writing / editing thing? Where in theory it's something I enjoy but in the workplace it becomes less enjoyable for whatever reason? I don't know, but I can't worry about that sort of thing. Not yet, anyway. I have to be of the mind that I still have something to offer, something to contribute in that field. And it has a lot to do with the details and questions I asked myself about other jobs I had (including the one I have now). Like are you at your optimal health when you're doing something that's “okay”? Is it a matter of simply being busy? Is it about being challenged? What about freedom and structure in the workday? Are you okay with sitting for most of it and just moving around on breaks? Is it better to have something that's project-based rather than meeting some sort of quota? To have something where you do the same thing all day or where you have a variety of tasks? When I made the decision to leave the types of jobs I had (which were mostly doing the same thing all day – which can be good and bad) I was sort of investing in the idea that I'd get to explore those questions with people for a living. And figure it out for myself in the process. (I know it might be a little bit of a stretch to connect health and wellness with that stuff when mostly it's connected to nutrition and exercise. But I'm connecting it all. I'm interested in it all. So whatever). So I guess the bottom line is that I'm good with what I'm doing. I didn't expect that I'd be doing an unrelated job again while I continue to look for what I really want, but sometimes that's just the way of the universe.

Anticipation

The two part-time jobs didn't hire me, but the weight loss clinic did offer me a job. I was almost gonna take it. But some red flags came up when I learned more about it, and I didn't take it. Which is for the best, I think – because something better came along. A professional, corporate wellness job as a health coach – the ideal thing I've been looking for and competing with many for. I've just interviewed for it and am waiting to hear, but I have a good feeling. It's in FL, but on the east coast instead of the west. Which is actually a great scenario – I get to move, but still stay in state : ) And it's 85% travel (with mileage reimbursement). I haven't done that before, but it means I'm not at a desk job 9-5! This could be life-changing. Getting my career off the ground for one thing, and shaking things up with my own health / way of living. When I look back at some of the things I did when I was younger (like being a movie extra in L.A., a thing which also had a lot of unpredictability) I marvel at how much changed in just the last couple years. It's a physical health issue I can't really explain, but I've kept wondering if a return to my old self / my old ways would somehow improve it. I just haven't known HOW to return to my old self / old ways.

Something that goes along with this is a post from the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, which I've mentioned before. The post is http://psychologyofeating.com/new-definition-metabolism/ . I love it because it gets at my long-time interest in how the mind or even outer circumstances in life can affect your body. It isn't just nutrition and exercise. After reading the post, it made me wonder – could there be people who are happy / have a sense of purpose, good relationships, everything good psychologically – who still have body / health issues? I guess so. But if I got in a job I loved and was happy like I was in college, would it help me? It's a research question for sure, and I feel like my life itself is essentially one big work of research. Hehe. Come to think of it, I believe there were some tough times in my life when I didn't have the health issues despite the fact that times were tough. So who knows? But yeah, I think when I'm coaching people, there WILL be some who are generally happy with their lives overall and just have some health things to address. Otherwise, we'd be getting into therapy territory, and I'm not a therapist. But behavior change DOES incorporate psychology and it DOES come about as a result of something not working in a person's life. So there's some overlap. That's what makes it so interesting to me and brings me back around to the start of this paragraph - your mind and life circumstances affect you physically in profound ways. 

Update

This week I had a few good job interviews. Two were part-time coaching jobs and one was part-time at a weight loss clinic. I am hopeful! I also signed up to coach another coach in Wellcoaches and have another coach to coach me. So it'll count towards the hours I need for recertification later. Plus it gives me the opportunity to network with others in my field. On that note, I've gotten access to more cool things with my certified membership. Like classes on marketing and the business of coaching. (Building my own business is still a ways off, but hey). 

And I'm still getting invitations to webinars and things outside of Wellcoaches but still health-related. One was about mindful eating and the Am I Hungry program. I found out about them from the Tampa Wellness Council. I think it's great. It kinda got me thinking about the dual messages in society nowadays. There are the body acceptance messages and there are the messages about trying to be physically healthy. I think the body acceptance stuff has come as a result of people trying too hard to be healthy (or a certain weight). But at the same time, it doesn't suggest an attitude of giving up or not caring about your body. That's where I think it can get confusing for some people. Oh, how I want to help! 

So job, coaching, continuing education, and reading a novel (my novel reading has been less frequent lately but I'd been waiting on this one from the library for a while). I am starting to get busy! But a good kind of busy. Not like how it used to be with me commuting 3 hours a day, working for 8 ½, and barely having time to do anything else except eat, sleep, check email, and talk to bf. I'm also feeling like the things I want will come eventually because I'm taking the right steps. I'm not in a rush. And I don't feel like “I'll only be happy once I get ___.” There is some happiness in what I'm doing now. The journey, as they say.