First week done, job thoughts, health thoughts

I was excited to work at the college bookstore at first, but what I wrote about it in a previous post wouldn't hold true for the actual rush week that was this week (which is maybe comparable to Black Friday for regular retail workers). I got scheduled for 34 hours, pretty much all the time I wasn't in class. It wasn't bad when there were lots of books to put away or when the store was so crowded you could count on having to help someone find their books every time you turned around. Because as I've said before, having your mind engaged in something is better for your health than having to wander. But being on my feet for so many hours straight was something I wasn't used to. (I seriously don't remember how I worked in a warehouse for two and a half years a few years ago). And I was so paranoid about not taking too long of a break that I don't feel I gave myself enough time to eat or rest or whatever. Because I was always hungry, for one thing. And physically, it was just uncomfortable, and this is why. When you're on your feet, you're not sedentary the way you are in a cubicle, but it also isn't really exercise. My comfort zone is having sedentary periods mixed with periods of real exercise where I can digest properly and regulate my breathing and center of gravity better and all that. I don't know why almost every job I've had I've had to compromise the way I'd normally behave if I wasn't on the clock and being paid to do something. (And by 'behave' I mean physical health choices). And that's why I'm studying health!

Thankfully, on most days after this I'll get to just be home until mid-afternoon when I'll drive up to campus for class and nothing else. I am really good with that! One thing I never liked about college (and this comes from my FSU days as well) was trudging around campus carrying a ton of shit. It's way different than running (which I enjoy) without stuff weighing you down. It goes back to the gravity and breathing thing. You don't feel light the way you do when you're either resting or exercising for real. Instead, it's this in-between state of being which is neither rest nor exercise. And I don't know if it's good or bad, but I know it doesn't make me feel good. And I'm only writing about this because I'm viewing it as scientific inquiry. I've been so much more obsessed with my body and physical feelings over time that I've wondered if it's been too much. You know how when you're so busy with other things that you don't think about physical sensations as much and things just take care of themselves? I want that to be the norm for me. But sometimes I just can't help crossing over into obsession land when, for reasons beyond my control, I'm NOT busy enough or I have a job whose details I didn't anticipate. It's crazy.

I still feel like I'm trying to recover from the stuff I did this week. I know I messed something up in my body a few days ago when I spent too much time in one position while stretching, and as a result, felt like something shifted in my mid-section. Like above my stomach but below my chest. I think it happened once before and it eventually went away on its own, but it's uncomfortable. And frustrating when you feel like no matter what you do, it's not directly fixable except by waiting it out. And why did I spend longer in one particular position than normal? Because I didn't feel like myself after working and trudging around campus all day one day and not getting to stretch in between and...yeah. I guess I've said enough. I'm just glad the week is over and textbook employees won't be needed much more now. I have two more shifts, five hours tomorrow and four on Tues. Orientation for my tutoring job is also Tues., as well as class that night. So I have class and assignments, maybe GFIT auditions next Sat., getting birthday presents for Sept. birthdays, and becoming a long-distance auntie again in a few days. That's what's coming up!

Contributing to the world

For me, there's no limit to the number of times I can write about / ponder what I will contribute to the world. I think I have to continually think about it because the world does not easily remind me if I forget that I should be aiming to contribute something. In recent times, my focus has been on preparing for a new career and 'finding my place' and being happy and settled. Creation / contribution can then come from that, right? Or it can facilitate you finding your place and being happy. Here's a question. Do you have to be all settled before you can contribute? Not necessarily. But contribution is not a prerequisite for being happy. 

So yeah, I decided to try breaking into a new field where I could earn a living doing something I liked. (Instead of going after dead-end day jobs which I thought was necessary for people who wanted to be actors / writers / artists. You had to leave the focus for your art and not get bogged down with what you did for a living, right?) 

Side note: during the time when I was a frustrated artist and didn't know what else I wanted to do in life, I got very depressed and insecure. But I eventually realized that since a lot of people struggle with what they want to do, it doesn't mean you're any less of a person or that you have any reason to be less confident.

So is getting into a new field to earn a living doing something I like enough to fulfill me? Well, it's still way early to answer that question. Nevertheless, in moments when I'm not occupied, I come back to that question and try to figure out what I can do if it isn't enough. Or in other words, what could I contribute? In grad school, it's common for people to contribute to their field through research. And having aspired to write at an earlier stage in my life, it's pretty natural that I would enjoy the idea of researching, right? Ever since I started last fall, I've tried to put together ideas of what interests me. Unfortunately, they seem to be outside the realm of research. They don't constitute hard science. And I don't enjoy numbers and all the formal things that go along with research. I wished I could've brought about more discourse in the discussion forums that we had in my psychology of exercise class, because I feel I articulated what I was thinking pretty well. But no one responded, not even my professor. So I just let it go.

To re-articulate here, I mentioned in a previous post that I was interested in how emotions could affect what your body does / how you feel physically. For instance, you're more energized when you're happy or busy or when your mind is engaged, right? So wouldn't it make sense that you should aim to be happy, busy, mentally engaged? Maybe that's intuitive / instinctual. Nobody actually wants to be bored or depressed. How do we stay mentally engaged? That would vary from person to person I suppose. But exercise scientists never talk about that. There is some study on motivation, for sure, but it all centers on people exercising because they want to be healthy or it's fun, or whether people are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to exercise. They don't focus much on the variances from day to day in what you may be doing and how THAT affects whether you will or won't exercise. THAT's what I'm interested in, but it's too fuzzy of an area. 

 

If I don't contribute something in that area, though, is there another area where I could? It's funny, I was in Barnes and Noble today and I was looking for a book I randomly saw once but I couldn't remember the title or author. I thought it was a memoir so I browsed that section first. But then I remembered that sometimes memoirs can be put into the self-help section or humor or psychology or relationships / dating categories. I couldn't find it any of those, but I noticed a lot of books in the self-help section that dealt with figuring out your twenties, finding your place in the world, your identity, etc. I love that stuff, I've gotta say. Mostly because a lot of it is stuff I wish I'd read when I was actually in my twenties and going through those issues. But I think I've got a handle on some of the stuff those people write about. But I'm getting side-tracked here. I don't really anticipate breaking into the self-help stuff. But memoirs and fiction I've tried. And I always keep the idea of trying again in the back of my mind. (And I know now that you can write those things coming from any field. You don't have to be a waitress the way actresses do). After all, more life experience can often fuel those art forms.

 

Ideas that have come from my efforts in that area include what I mentioned above in the side note – you don't have to have everything figured out right away. (And that, coincidentally, crosses over into the psych stuff, but no matter). Also, if you don't have enough self-respect or security or confidence, you'll accept less than what you deserve in a significant other. (I know, a lot of what I'm saying here sounds self-help-ish, but they are revelations I got from recently re-reading my memoir and I thought they'd be interesting to mention). Another tidbit – you can't look at love as the answer to life if you don't already feel fulfilled on your own. I actually had some knowledge of that in my story because a lot of my despair was due to the fact that I felt unfulfilled without love and I couldn't successfully fulfill myself without it even though I was trying. (Again, the the too-high demands I had for myself were part of the reason I was insecure). And I knew that even when I had a guy depending on me, it didn't have the same meaning that love from someone good would've had if I'd felt fulfilled on my own already.

As a corollary to not seeing love as the answer to everything, you have to not see a lover as better than yourself. You should see him or her as your equal.

 

I was naïve when I was in my early twenties. I wore my heart on my sleeve too much. I tried to get away from my sheltered past so much that I went too far in the other direction. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn't have. I pursued something that was inappropriate because of the lack of reciprocation which I now know not to do because you can't change people. And you shouldn't have to change them.

 

My story was not unique. It was interesting in the sense that I tried to see the humanity in someone who might've had some but who shouldn't have been worth associating with. The few normal, human aspects that I found couldn't make up for who he was overall. 

The one thing I was aware of during that time was the fact that my adventure could be turned into a story, and that I might grow from it (and growing would help me feel more fulfilled). Of course it took time and distance from the events (and the telling of the events) to really get the lessons, but hey. If I hadn't been aware of that little bit, I might not have come out of it the way I did.

If I had a concluding point here, I don't remember what it was. I know I was talking about ideas to contribute to the world. And I know the things I just talked about from my past writing are things I don't know what to do with other than say them here. I guess I just wanted to get all my 'contribution ideas' together in one place. And to organize my thoughts. And remind myself that it's always possible to think of more along the way. Maybe not just possible, but likely? I hope!

New gadget, new work

I'm not a tech person, but I have been learning / researching some things since getting my tablet. And acquiring knowledge / consuming information in any form is always good. I think I would've had an even bigger learning curve if I'd gotten a laptop because the Windows 8 operating system is a bit more complicated. Android, on the other hand, is pretty simple like a phone except it has a bigger screen like I wanted.

First, I wanted to be able to access the desktop versions of websites instead of the mobile versions, and that turned out to be pretty easy. I learned that chrome is a better browser to use on a touch screen than firefox. The tabs are laid out better and I can actually click things and select them and get drop-down menus that I can't get in firefox.

That leads me to the second thing – clicking. I got a stylus so I'd have an easier time with icons and buttons that are small and close together. At one point, I thought I was going to need a mouse - which you apparently can use with either bluetooth or a micro usb adapter (because the usb port on the tablet is smaller than regular usb ports). I even looked for a micro usb adapter and found that no stores carried them near me. Luckily, amazon had them, but it turns out I might not need a mouse since I discovered I can do everything I want without one.

The one thing that is a little more difficult without a mouse is copying and pasting. You can copy and paste by pressing down on the text and holding it for a few seconds, which highlights it and brings up the clipboard menu, but I had to fuss with it a lot to get it to work. Another simple thing I learned was how to right-click, which you do the same way – by pressing down and holding until you get the menu options for what you want (like opening something in a new tab).

What else? I explored the office app, Kingsoft Office, a little bit. I sent my resume to myself to test it out. The layout looked different on it than it did on my computer, so I tried to fix it by adjusting the margins. For some reason, I still couldn't get the lines of text to end at the same places, but I guess that's a minor issue. If I have to really concern myself with formal documents, I'll be on my pc anyway. But having some kind of office app on the tablet seems like one of the basic things to have so I can, at the least, open certain things. I can read pdf docs in it too, so I don't even know if I need a separate adobe reader app. Maybe not.

The google play store is where I download apps from. I didn't even know there was a google books app already installed, lol. I knew ipads had ibooks and I knew there were kindle and nook apps for people who didn't have actual kindles or nooks, but google has its own book app too. Cool. So I downloaded one e-book so far, a 2.99 novella that was a companion to On the Island, which I recently read. In doing that, I learned how to make the book readable offline and how to navigate through other options in the app.

And speaking of navigation, I did a lot of navigating through online manuals, including one for the tablet itself, since it didn't come with one. I had to learn what all the icons meant, where the settings were, and how to organize the homescreen and whatnot. I never really used bluetooth before now, but it's pretty nifty for connecting the tablet to other devices wirelessly. It's how I use the separate keyboard I got for it. And my bf was able to send photos to me through it from his phone (without having to email them). So that was cool too.

In other goings-on, I started work at the school bookstore. I'm not getting many hours, and the boss wasn't kidding when he said he'd have around 200 employees. I've never seen so many people working in one small place at once like this before. But I guess it's not a major problem. As far as the work itself goes, I really enjoy it a lot because I'm on my feet the whole time, there's more to do to keep busy than at many of my previous jobs, and I'm dealing with books! For someone who loves books and organizing, it's fun to go through the shelves and have an intricate system like the one we have for textbooks. I wonder if I'd had a chance to work in a bookstore at a younger age, would it have led me to a different career? One in bookselling? I guess it doesn't matter. I've gone through that stuff in my head before. All is good the way it is right now for me.

I got my textbooks after my shifts because I saw they were there and I figured I might as well. With an employee discount, it'd make sense, right? After I did that without thinking to research prices elsewhere beforehand, I found out that our bookstore is so overpriced, I could've done better with amazon than with the bookstore, even WITH the employee discount. Kinda crazy. But I ended up renting my statistics books which I wouldn't have been able to do on amazon without a prime account. So maybe it's not a big deal that I got them where I did when I did. Technically I could order my health promotion book from amazon for cheaper and return the other one to the bookstore, but I don't know. If I knew for SURE I'd get the employee discount at the end of employment like my boss said, I probably wouldn't. But I don't know for sure because of the fact that he didn't schedule me for any shifts this week. I hope he emails me back soon. It's so hectic dealing with 200 people, I don't know how he does it.

Another small d'oh moment I had money-wise recently was seeing styluses for tablets at the dollar store after I already got one from office depot for almost $14. Really? I could've gotten one for a dollar? I suppose sometimes we all overspend on certain things, but I can't fret over every penny. Especially when there are better and more important ways to spend my time. Sometimes time is as valuable a commodity as money.

And speaking of time, I'm gonna have to get into the swing of a new schedule soon when classes start next week. It sometimes seems scary when you've gotten so used to not having classes or homework or papers or anything all summer and you think 'how did I do it before?' But somehow you manage, right? And you still find time to fit in outside things like family and social life. So I might be a little busier. So what? I can do this. Statistics on Tuesdays, health promotion on Thursdays, hopefully GFIT on Mondays and Wednesdays, and very part-time work in between. Yeah, I think I'm ready.