Next Steps

I haven't been looking for any jobs in health and wellness anymore. I also don't want to stay where I am for a few reasons. But I think my job could serve as a bridge to similar but better work. I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I did get in with a tutoring company that has independent contractor work. The hourly rate is about 4 times as much as I make now, but the question is how steady would it be? With that in consideration, I am looking into proofreading companies that also offer independent contractor work so I could have two sources of income in case one doesn't provide enough. I thought for a while that being an employee with a company would be better – safer. When I was in high school, and even college the first time, if you'd asked me if I wanted something “safe” I would've said no. I didn't want boring. I wanted adventure. Then, after my twenties were over and I still wasn't getting anywhere, I thought maybe safe wouldn't be bad as long as I was doing something I enjoyed during my 8 hour day. That's where I've thought the root of the problem has often been. The idea of having to succumb to this predetermined schedule, to live life with such a strict structure and rules. I thought health and fitness would be the answer. But maybe I didn't need health and fitness after all. Maybe what I needed was just freedom and adventure as I originally thought. It's kind of like I'm coming full circle and returning to interests I had from forever ago. Writing, the arts. Okay, maybe just the writing part. But doing it in a way that fits me. I did like that my current job let me pretty much make my own hours, but it's still restrictive in the sense that I have to do the 8 hours all in a row, have to commute and deal with traffic, have to deal with all the distractions that come with office work – phones ringing, people talking, potato chip bags crinkling, keyboards banging, janitors vacuuming...everyday is super stressful and I always feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If I could work at home in peace and quiet, it would be heaven. Being with students one-on-one in person would also be fun because of the interaction. If I try this out and it works, maybe I'll be set? A good income, freedom and control, work that caters to my strengths and interests. Yes, there was a lot of zig zagging around that I did before this, but does it matter? I know from the outside it might not seem like everything has a connection to the destination, but I still believe everything happens for a reason / has significance.

More sorting

It's funny to think about the word 'nonconformist.' When I was growing up, that meant something to me. But now, it's like, “not conforming to what?” It's silly to think about any particular job as being 'conformist' when there are so many other factors to consider.

Okay, now on to my actual post.

Theatre / film, check. Publishing, check. (Well, not really, but I dabbled / explored). Fitness, check. Those are the things I've tried and moved on from. Public health? Was interested in that for a bit, but it's waning a little. Functional / holistic / lifestyle medicine? Interest in that arose from fitness as well, but it's too broad of a field to say “that's my career.” Doctor, therapist, coach, nutritionist, nurse...there are all kinds of roles within it that you kinda have to decide between. Nutrition / dietetics is an interest, but not strong enough for me to really go into it full-on at this point. Same with psychology. Love mental health, but is it enough? When you're young, you vow that you “love” certain things so much that there's no doubt in your mind you'll ever fail. (Case in point – the two degrees I already got which are being overshadowed by other things). And then there comes a time when you learn from your mistakes of jumping into things just because you think you love them. Maybe they're not total mistakes, but the point is you can't keep investing in one huge endeavor after another with hopes that it's gonna be like the big answer to your life and purpose. I've heard this before (and now it's hitting home). You gather lots of things along the way that contribute to life / purpose. Career counseling. That's the final thing I'd like to mention having an interest in. But no, I'm not going to pursue it full-on. I will keep reading the blogs about it, like I do with publishing and health and other things, but that's it. Because so many of these fields overlap. I like to keep a toe in all of them. Who knows if or when something will come of it, like an idea that lets me either contribute to one or several of them or that enables me to improve my own personal health / life in some way. That is something I'm working on still. Tutoring for work, living with a roommate, living on basically the minimum, but enjoying it so far because I have the essentials I need, time for myself (well, the normal amount), good schedule...which may be more important to me than certain other things. (I say that now, but we'll see). How many jobs have the sort of freedom that this current one gives me? That's why I'm passing over more and more things I see that I might've applied to in the past but don't want to now.

Wellness coaching. Is it too soon to officially say I'm done? Am I in the death rattle? Am I ready to help people with weight loss or healthy lifestyle or whatever it is? I have to be a role model if I'm going to do that. But I don't know if I am, exactly. I don't have all the answers. I thought I did at one point. But if I did, would I be as hesitant to leave my comfortable tutoring job as I am? Would I have the struggle with low weight that I still have? It's something that's still hard to define and I still toy with seeing someone else about it. (I'm more interested in it than in any career, actually. I always had the idea of killing two birds with one stone, combining career with my own issues, but in some cases I guess they have to be separate). I feel like I have ideas about the causes / solutions to what I'm dealing with, and if I could confirm them, then I feel like I could help others. But I haven't confirmed them yet. But I need and want to, and it's such a lifelong process, it seems. So right now when I think about the benefits of continuing to tutor for my job vs. taking another job (which I said I was in the death rattle of, but one other thing popped up recently and my reaction was actually 'damn it,' lol) it seems kind of inconsequential. Before, I might've thought, “yay, a job in my field, a chance to grow in life and purpose, etc.” But now, after writing this post, career has become less important to me. Because the growth I'm seeking may not come from that. It might come from other sources instead. So bloody hell.