Busy

I'm several weeks into the new job now and I have a lot to write about because a lot has happened in that time. It definitely feels like the job is taking up my whole life, but I will say that my co-workers lighten the burden I might otherwise feel if I was doing it alone. In many of my past jobs I felt like I didn't belong or I had the attitude of “this is only temporary, I might as well not get attached” which didn't serve me well because nobody is an island, you know? You need connection wherever you are. And I've found some people now with whom I can relate and it's great. None of us really know if this is where we're meant to be forever, but it's okay because it's like we're in it together for now. That makes a huge difference.

I did not find a roommate in time so I did end up moving back with my parents. As much as I wanted to find a place of my own, that would not have been smart because if my job didn't last, then I'd be in trouble again. It's still too early for me to tell if it will last or not. It'd be nice if it would because finding another job gets more and more difficult as time goes by. And I really don't want to stay here with my parents. I would like to get my own place for once. Or move in with my sister in another state (but she has to get rid of her roommate first). If I got my own place, J could maybe move in for a trial phase. I guess there are a few possibilities. It just feels crazy that being able to settle down is such a challenge.

I think I can say the improved environment of my job does make up for the less than ideal hours. In my last post, I wondered whether adrenaline or anticipation or whatever might help me get energized and overcome the waking up early and possibly getting less sleep thing. I think it has a little. I still struggle a little with the health issue I've been having all along, but that takes time. How is my time being spent now? (I talked a lot about time in my last post too). At work, I have one student each hour, so it's 8 kids a day. Some are calm, some are hyperactive, but at least there is always interaction which is nice. Week nights I barely have time to eat (often with my parents now), check email, and talk to J before going to bed. There is little wiggle room, so when it was that time of month this past week and I felt super tired, I laid down upon getting home which threw schedule off a little, but luckily I only got to bed an hour later that night. And I still survived with less sleep by eating less (and then I was dizzy and light headed for a while which has been happening now with that time of month) but that is a small price to pay I guess.

Sometimes family and friends ask me what I do for fun and make suggestions about things for me to do...I feel like saying WHEN? I feel like my free time has diminished significantly. My past few weekends have been taken up with moving affairs, so maybe soon I'll get to breathe and feel normal again. But even so, if I add tv / reading back into the picture as a “fun” thing, that's basically it for me. Time is filled. During the week these past few weeks, the idea of watching tv (which I used to do with J) was so far away (which was okay because shows just had their finales) and I felt sad because I felt like I was running around trying to fit everything in and it felt like being rushed (because of the job taking so much time)...maybe that sounds like a first world problem. Or maybe I just have anxiety. I have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to take care of myself / health issues while trying to make a living and get to the point where I can settle down. It can be stressful. I guess the main thing is having people who are there to support you. Which I do. I'm thankful for that. And I constantly am telling myself to just take one thing at a time. Trying to look at everything all at once can be overwhelming.

Changes

So none of the jobs I mentioned in my last post came through, but I got another one. It's tutoring but for a company that works with students with learning challenges such as autism, dyslexia, ADHD, etc. It's full time, it's face to face, it's helping people learn to read. Sounds fulfilling / rewarding. I did tutoring before this as a “for now” job because I couldn't get hired in the field(s) I was pursuing. Did I think it was gonna happen again? That I'd have to settle for plan B while perpetually seeking plan A? What if I just embrace plan B and not worry about A anymore? Well, I would if it just entailed enjoyment of the work itself because as I said, it sounds fulfilling. But what about the pay? I admit that pay isn't that important, especially if you don't enjoy the work. But I'm not talking about the difference between, say, middle class and upper middle class. I'm talking about the difference between being able to afford my own place to live vs. having to share a place with someone. Is having to share a place the worst thing? Well, it can be. I know because I'm experiencing it right now living with roommate #2 who thankfully will be leaving pretty soon. Will I be able to find another one so I can stay in the apartment or will I end up back with my parents? This is something I wouldn't have had to worry about if I'd gotten a plan A job. But alas, the universe was just not wanting that.

How will my health fare with this new job? With my old job, I loved the flexibility of getting to set my own hours but I hated what was happening during those hours I was actually there. Will not having as much flexibility now be compensated for with not hating my environment? I thought setting my own hours was integral because in prior jobs I had that were 8-5, my body was screaming all the time. But honestly, my body was still bad even when I could control my schedule. So this is going to be interesting. Can I go the whole day without doing my ritual? I'm purposely being vague and not explaining what it is in order to not cross the line into this being “that” kind of blog (a blog about sickness). What kind of blog is it then? I don't know. I mean, I don't want my sickness to be my identity. But it's hard to hide and pretend to be normal too. I really want to be normal. My hope is that by trying to be, eventually it'll happen and I'll get better. Whatever happens, there are only two directions I can go in – better or worse.

Because I am starting a new job which brings change, my mind is going over what life and schedule will look like. Here was the structure of life with the old job: Got up, ate, showered, made lunch to take with me, went to work. Got home, ate, talked to J, watched tv (if it was a night something was on), checked email and facebook, went to bed.

Here was the structure of life with no job: Got up, ate, showered, then the time I would've been working was split between job searching and reading (an activity that previously was relegated to weekends). Still had dinner and talked to J and watched tv and checked email / fb (although I often did email earlier because I could).

Also I didn't mention that food shopping and laundry are also things I did and will do. As well as reading my blog subscriptions once a week and watching shows online that I can't watch on cable. And maybe movies sometimes. You'd think this would be a full life, huh? Yet sometimes there are times when you have to shop for birthdays or holidays. Or visit family / friends. You can see how even when not working (or working less than 40 hrs a week), time still gets filled up. Oh, and what if I have to add new roommate search in here? Or moving? So much stuff! That's why having 2 days off for every 5 hardly seems fair.

I value time more than anything. What is it gonna be like with my new job? I'll for sure have less time than with my old one because I had been doing 7 hour shifts, then 8 towards the end (including lunch break). Now it'll be 9 hours a day (because 8 with an hour lunch) plus commuting. I remember when I was in L.A. living on my own for a brief time, I actually fell into a schedule once where I came home from work, ate dinner, and went straight to bed so that I woke up on my own (without an alarm – I hate alarms) in the middle of the night and started my day from there. I don't know if that will be possible again, but I don't see myself getting up at 5:30 / 6 am to leave to get to work by 8 and still doing the stuff I used to do. Did I mention that in both previously discussed structures (with old job and no job) I usually got up between 7:30 and 8:30 am everyday? That is my body's natural rhythm. And believe me when I say that trying to sleep from 10-6, despite being eight hours, is not the same as sleeping from 12-8 or 11-7. It's just not. I don't know why. So what do I see myself doing? Hmm. I might try having my night be eating dinner, showering, and going to bed. No tv. (And maybe talking to J on the drive home?) Then seeing what time I wake up. Not sure if I'll still have to set an alarm or not. Maybe eat when I get up? Maybe do email and fb? And then go? I think that will cover all the essential things while still allowing me to get enough sleep. I feel like if I don't get enough sleep, that's what contributes to my body problems and health issues. But you know, when I was in college (undergrad) and having the time of my life, I'm sure I didn't sleep as much and was still healthy. I vaguely remember adrenaline carrying me through. Or just the anticipation of things I was looking forward to gave me all this energy. I didn't worry about bodily functions. They took a backseat to everything else. Could I somehow get back to that? That, to me, would be normalcy. Or healthy.

Spring goings-on

So I had an interview for a job with the Dept of Health recently, which was exciting. It was dealing with substance abuse and tobacco prevention for a county in south FL. (Not exactly what I studied, but it's health promotion, which I was exposed to a little in my classes at USF). I also had an interview for a community health worker job which dealt with traveling to patients' homes or hospitals, etc. and conducting assessments to determine appropriate resources for them. Also not exactly what I studied, but something that sounded interesting to me. I'm all about exploring as many things as possible in life. Have you ever felt like you wanted to do (or try) everything? How do you even know what you'll like if you've never done it? Ah, the game of life.

What will help me get better physically? I try not to talk about my personal health issues too much, but it's been a while, hasn't it? My health issue is probably most closely related to an eating disorder. (I hesitate to call it that for a few reasons, but for simplicity's sake, I will for now). It's something that happened as a result of frustration with working sedentary jobs for a time after I finished undergrad. And maybe from losing the sense of community I had at FSU. It could've been various things. But I had the idea that working in fitness would fix me. But I think by the time I got to studying fitness for my master's, it was too late. It kinda made things a little worse, actually. But fitness led to health and wellness coaching, and I thought that might be the answer. I wouldn't have to be physically active myself, but I could still have a job that would get me out of my own head. (What I mean by that is when you have challenging and engaging tasks, those things can make you forget about your own body. Theoretically). Not sure if it is the answer or not, as I haven't been able to test it out fully. But I can say that I want something with a variety of tasks where I'm not doing the same thing all day. Both of the jobs I interviewed for definitely had that.

Another job that seems appealing to me would be working at the library. I worked at one once, shortly before I moved to L.A. I didn't stay because at the time, my dream was acting and I was a naïve 23 yr old who didn't know better. But out of all my jobs, that library one was a good one. I don't know why I didn't think of applying for it before going to grad school. It didn't occur to me. And would going back to that now be a waste of everything else I've been exploring? Well, it's something I'll gladly take if the other things don't work out. (If I could even get it. Could lightning strike twice?)

Reading is a lifelong passion of mine. No matter what job or career I end up having, my time outside of work will always be looked forward to for my escape into other worlds. Sometimes I wish I could spend all my time reading, lol. This sort of brings me to another topic regarding passion and work. I used to want my work to be my life. I wanted to make a living off my passion. Does it sound crazy to not want that? I'm not saying I don't want to be passionate about what I do for work; I do. But I think I don't want to merge my reading passion in particular. I want that to be separate and purely for pleasure.

P.S. - I don't often mention specific books on here, but the Mara Dyer series which I just finished was phenomenal. And so is the follow-up, The Shaw Confessions. I am in love with Noah Shaw. I know he is fictional, but still.

Work update / helping people

In my last post I questioned the amount of work I'd get being an independent contractor for the tutoring co. I signed up with. Well, I haven't gotten any up to this point. (Maybe English isn't a subject that is as much in demand?) As for the proofreading contract work, I tried multiple times to take a mock editing test after learning how to use the Word 'track changes' feature. (My actual job I've been doing for the past couple years used its own software that was different). It wasn't as easy as I thought. Especially for a resume they gave me. I found myself adding comments telling the person what they should change rather than actually making the changes because I didn't know how to make them without starting a new document from scratch. That would've been so much easier. Needless to say, it was frustrating and I lost the enthusiasm I had for trying to do that kind of work.

Meanwhile, I've been in limbo with my current job not having enough work and getting unemployment to hold me over. I'm really not that upset about it because it's given me extra time to look for other things. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I wanted to write down some musings. I had an interest in health and wellness coaching. Also coaching people on other things that might make them happy / improve their lives. And being happy / improving one's life doesn't always have to do with losing weight or some physical health related thing. But if it does have to do with that (which is what I got certified to help with), could it be a result of something else not going right in the person's life to the point where it manifests in physical symptoms? That's what I am intrigued by and what relates most closely to my personal life. It's about recognizing when something isn't going right and taking steps to remedy it. For me, I thought that lack of fulfillment in my work was the thing to address to fix other concerns. Was I right? Well, if I was or wasn't, there is no denying that the pursuit to change my work led to things I might not have stumbled on if I hadn't gone down that path. The point is, you have to take SOME action, whether it's the right one or not. That's how you learn. And that's what I think I could bring to the table if I were to still get into coaching. Regardless of whether it's health, job, relationships, etc., the common thread that ties together the various professions dealing with those things is listening to a client, meeting them where they are, and working on helping them change so that whatever is ailing them can be improved.

Next Steps

I haven't been looking for any jobs in health and wellness anymore. I also don't want to stay where I am for a few reasons. But I think my job could serve as a bridge to similar but better work. I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I did get in with a tutoring company that has independent contractor work. The hourly rate is about 4 times as much as I make now, but the question is how steady would it be? With that in consideration, I am looking into proofreading companies that also offer independent contractor work so I could have two sources of income in case one doesn't provide enough. I thought for a while that being an employee with a company would be better – safer. When I was in high school, and even college the first time, if you'd asked me if I wanted something “safe” I would've said no. I didn't want boring. I wanted adventure. Then, after my twenties were over and I still wasn't getting anywhere, I thought maybe safe wouldn't be bad as long as I was doing something I enjoyed during my 8 hour day. That's where I've thought the root of the problem has often been. The idea of having to succumb to this predetermined schedule, to live life with such a strict structure and rules. I thought health and fitness would be the answer. But maybe I didn't need health and fitness after all. Maybe what I needed was just freedom and adventure as I originally thought. It's kind of like I'm coming full circle and returning to interests I had from forever ago. Writing, the arts. Okay, maybe just the writing part. But doing it in a way that fits me. I did like that my current job let me pretty much make my own hours, but it's still restrictive in the sense that I have to do the 8 hours all in a row, have to commute and deal with traffic, have to deal with all the distractions that come with office work – phones ringing, people talking, potato chip bags crinkling, keyboards banging, janitors vacuuming...everyday is super stressful and I always feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If I could work at home in peace and quiet, it would be heaven. Being with students one-on-one in person would also be fun because of the interaction. If I try this out and it works, maybe I'll be set? A good income, freedom and control, work that caters to my strengths and interests. Yes, there was a lot of zig zagging around that I did before this, but does it matter? I know from the outside it might not seem like everything has a connection to the destination, but I still believe everything happens for a reason / has significance.

More sorting

It's funny to think about the word 'nonconformist.' When I was growing up, that meant something to me. But now, it's like, “not conforming to what?” It's silly to think about any particular job as being 'conformist' when there are so many other factors to consider.

Okay, now on to my actual post.

Theatre / film, check. Publishing, check. (Well, not really, but I dabbled / explored). Fitness, check. Those are the things I've tried and moved on from. Public health? Was interested in that for a bit, but it's waning a little. Functional / holistic / lifestyle medicine? Interest in that arose from fitness as well, but it's too broad of a field to say “that's my career.” Doctor, therapist, coach, nutritionist, nurse...there are all kinds of roles within it that you kinda have to decide between. Nutrition / dietetics is an interest, but not strong enough for me to really go into it full-on at this point. Same with psychology. Love mental health, but is it enough? When you're young, you vow that you “love” certain things so much that there's no doubt in your mind you'll ever fail. (Case in point – the two degrees I already got which are being overshadowed by other things). And then there comes a time when you learn from your mistakes of jumping into things just because you think you love them. Maybe they're not total mistakes, but the point is you can't keep investing in one huge endeavor after another with hopes that it's gonna be like the big answer to your life and purpose. I've heard this before (and now it's hitting home). You gather lots of things along the way that contribute to life / purpose. Career counseling. That's the final thing I'd like to mention having an interest in. But no, I'm not going to pursue it full-on. I will keep reading the blogs about it, like I do with publishing and health and other things, but that's it. Because so many of these fields overlap. I like to keep a toe in all of them. Who knows if or when something will come of it, like an idea that lets me either contribute to one or several of them or that enables me to improve my own personal health / life in some way. That is something I'm working on still. Tutoring for work, living with a roommate, living on basically the minimum, but enjoying it so far because I have the essentials I need, time for myself (well, the normal amount), good schedule...which may be more important to me than certain other things. (I say that now, but we'll see). How many jobs have the sort of freedom that this current one gives me? That's why I'm passing over more and more things I see that I might've applied to in the past but don't want to now.

Wellness coaching. Is it too soon to officially say I'm done? Am I in the death rattle? Am I ready to help people with weight loss or healthy lifestyle or whatever it is? I have to be a role model if I'm going to do that. But I don't know if I am, exactly. I don't have all the answers. I thought I did at one point. But if I did, would I be as hesitant to leave my comfortable tutoring job as I am? Would I have the struggle with low weight that I still have? It's something that's still hard to define and I still toy with seeing someone else about it. (I'm more interested in it than in any career, actually. I always had the idea of killing two birds with one stone, combining career with my own issues, but in some cases I guess they have to be separate). I feel like I have ideas about the causes / solutions to what I'm dealing with, and if I could confirm them, then I feel like I could help others. But I haven't confirmed them yet. But I need and want to, and it's such a lifelong process, it seems. So right now when I think about the benefits of continuing to tutor for my job vs. taking another job (which I said I was in the death rattle of, but one other thing popped up recently and my reaction was actually 'damn it,' lol) it seems kind of inconsequential. Before, I might've thought, “yay, a job in my field, a chance to grow in life and purpose, etc.” But now, after writing this post, career has become less important to me. Because the growth I'm seeking may not come from that. It might come from other sources instead. So bloody hell.

On what to pursue for work

It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're the best at what you do. That sort of addresses the quandary from my last post. While it's true that I could still “keep up with the industry” (of health and wellness) even if I worked as a tutor for a living, it might be easier to actually contribute to the industry if I was working in it. (And I don't really see myself contributing to the “learning” industry in the same way. It's simply something that keeps me busy and is something I'm pretty good at). I'm obviously going to keep striving to improve my life situation by whatever means I can. Whatever it ends up looking like will be what it ends up looking like.