I'm several weeks into the new job now
and I have a lot to write about because a lot has happened in that
time. It definitely feels like the job is taking up my whole life,
but I will say that my co-workers lighten the burden I might
otherwise feel if I was doing it alone. In many of my past jobs I
felt like I didn't belong or I had the attitude of “this is only
temporary, I might as well not get attached” which didn't serve me
well because nobody is an island, you know? You need connection
wherever you are. And I've found some people now with whom I can
relate and it's great. None of us really know if this is where we're
meant to be forever, but it's okay because it's like we're in it
together for now. That makes a huge difference.
I did not find a roommate in time so I
did end up moving back with my parents. As much as I wanted to find a
place of my own, that would not have been smart because if my job
didn't last, then I'd be in trouble again. It's still too early for
me to tell if it will last or not. It'd be nice if it would because
finding another job gets more and more difficult as time goes by. And
I really don't want to stay here with my parents. I would like to get
my own place for once. Or move in with my sister in another state
(but she has to get rid of her roommate first). If I got my own
place, J could maybe move in for a trial phase. I guess there are a
few possibilities. It just feels crazy that being able to settle down
is such a challenge.
I think I can say the improved
environment of my job does make up for the less than ideal hours. In
my last post, I wondered whether adrenaline or anticipation or
whatever might help me get energized and overcome the waking up early
and possibly getting less sleep thing. I think it has a little. I
still struggle a little with the health issue I've been having all
along, but that takes time. How is my time being spent now? (I talked
a lot about time in my last post too). At work, I have one student
each hour, so it's 8 kids a day. Some are calm, some are hyperactive,
but at least there is always interaction which is nice. Week nights I
barely have time to eat (often with my parents now), check email, and
talk to J before going to bed. There is little wiggle room, so when
it was that time of month this past week and I felt super tired, I
laid down upon getting home which threw schedule off a little, but
luckily I only got to bed an hour later that night. And I still
survived with less sleep by eating less (and then I was dizzy and
light headed for a while which has been happening now with that time
of month) but that is a small price to pay I guess.
Sometimes family and friends ask me
what I do for fun and make suggestions about things for me to do...I
feel like saying WHEN? I feel like my free time has diminished
significantly. My past few weekends have been taken up with moving
affairs, so maybe soon I'll get to breathe and feel normal again. But
even so, if I add tv / reading back into the picture as a “fun”
thing, that's basically it for me. Time is filled. During the week
these past few weeks, the idea of watching tv (which I used to do
with J) was so far away (which was okay because shows just had their
finales) and I felt sad because I felt like I was running around
trying to fit everything in and it felt like being rushed (because of
the job taking so much time)...maybe that sounds like a first world
problem. Or maybe I just have anxiety. I have a lot on my mind. I'm
trying to take care of myself / health issues while trying to make a
living and get to the point where I can settle down. It can be
stressful. I guess the main thing is having people who are there to
support you. Which I do. I'm thankful for that. And I constantly am
telling myself to just take one thing at a time. Trying to look at
everything all at once can be overwhelming.
