So none of the jobs I mentioned in my
last post came through, but I got another one. It's tutoring but for
a company that works with students with learning challenges such as
autism, dyslexia, ADHD, etc. It's full time, it's face to face, it's
helping people learn to read. Sounds fulfilling / rewarding. I did
tutoring before this as a “for now” job because I couldn't get
hired in the field(s) I was pursuing. Did I think it was gonna happen
again? That I'd have to settle for plan B while perpetually seeking
plan A? What if I just embrace plan B and not worry about A anymore?
Well, I would if it just entailed enjoyment of the work itself
because as I said, it sounds fulfilling. But what about the pay? I
admit that pay isn't that important, especially if you don't enjoy
the work. But I'm not talking about the difference between, say,
middle class and upper middle class. I'm talking about the difference
between being able to afford my own place to live vs. having to share
a place with someone. Is having to share a place the worst thing?
Well, it can be. I know because I'm experiencing it right now living
with roommate #2 who thankfully will be leaving pretty soon. Will I
be able to find another one so I can stay in the apartment or will I
end up back with my parents? This is something I wouldn't have had to
worry about if I'd gotten a plan A job. But alas, the universe was
just not wanting that.
How will my health fare with this new
job? With my old job, I loved the flexibility of getting to set my
own hours but I hated what was happening during those hours I was
actually there. Will not having as much flexibility now be
compensated for with not hating my environment? I thought setting my
own hours was integral because in prior jobs I had that were 8-5, my
body was screaming all the time. But honestly, my body was still bad
even when I could control my schedule. So this is going to be
interesting. Can I go the whole day without doing my ritual? I'm
purposely being vague and not explaining what it is in order to not
cross the line into this being “that” kind of blog (a blog about
sickness). What kind of blog is it then? I don't know. I mean, I
don't want my sickness to be my identity. But it's hard to hide and
pretend to be normal too. I really want to be normal. My hope is that
by trying to be, eventually it'll happen and I'll get better.
Whatever happens, there are only two directions I can go in –
better or worse.
Because I am starting a new job which
brings change, my mind is going over what life and schedule will look
like. Here was the structure of life with the old job: Got up, ate,
showered, made lunch to take with me, went to work. Got home, ate,
talked to J, watched tv (if it was a night something was on), checked
email and facebook, went to bed.
Here was the structure of life with no
job: Got up, ate, showered, then the time I would've been working was
split between job searching and reading (an activity that previously
was relegated to weekends). Still had dinner and talked to J and
watched tv and checked email / fb (although I often did email earlier
because I could).
Also I didn't mention that food
shopping and laundry are also things I did and will do. As well as
reading my blog subscriptions once a week and watching shows online
that I can't watch on cable. And maybe movies sometimes. You'd think
this would be a full life, huh? Yet sometimes there are times when
you have to shop for birthdays or holidays. Or visit family /
friends. You can see how even when not working (or working less than
40 hrs a week), time still gets filled up. Oh, and what if I have to
add new roommate search in here? Or moving? So much stuff! That's why
having 2 days off for every 5 hardly seems fair.
I value time more than anything. What
is it gonna be like with my new job? I'll for sure have less time
than with my old one because I had been doing 7 hour shifts, then 8
towards the end (including lunch break). Now it'll be 9 hours a day
(because 8 with an hour lunch) plus commuting. I remember when I was
in L.A. living on my own for a brief time, I actually fell into a
schedule once where I came home from work, ate dinner, and went
straight to bed so that I woke up on my own (without an alarm – I
hate alarms) in the middle of the night and started my day from
there. I don't know if that will be possible again, but I don't see
myself getting up at 5:30 / 6 am to leave to get to work by 8 and
still doing the stuff I used to do. Did I mention that in both
previously discussed structures (with old job and no job) I usually
got up between 7:30 and 8:30 am everyday? That is my body's natural
rhythm. And believe me when I say that trying to sleep from 10-6,
despite being eight hours, is not the same as sleeping from 12-8 or
11-7. It's just not. I don't know why. So what do I see myself doing?
Hmm. I might try having my night be eating dinner, showering, and
going to bed. No tv. (And maybe talking to J on the drive home?) Then
seeing what time I wake up. Not sure if I'll still have to set an
alarm or not. Maybe eat when I get up? Maybe do email and fb? And
then go? I think that will cover all the essential things while still
allowing me to get enough sleep. I feel like if I don't get enough
sleep, that's what contributes to my body problems and health issues.
But you know, when I was in college (undergrad) and having the time
of my life, I'm sure I didn't sleep as much and was still healthy. I
vaguely remember adrenaline carrying me through. Or just the
anticipation of things I was looking forward to gave me all this
energy. I didn't worry about bodily functions. They took a backseat
to everything else. Could I somehow get back to that? That, to me,
would be normalcy. Or healthy.
